When should you start having sex? I was reading through a question posed by a 16-year-old young lady. Here is what she asked this online community of relative strangers, “My friend is wondering what other people think. She is 16 and so am I. I think that it’s fine around the age of 16 if you use protection. She thinks that it’s fine whenever.”
I have a 16-year-old daughter myself and imagined that these people were responding to my daughter. That was pretty disturbing to me from the young lady who says she started at 13 and has loved it ever since to another 16-year-old who confirmed that yes 16 is indeed the perfect age.
While there were a few cautionary responses to this young lady, I began to wonder to myself what would I tell this young lady myself. In fact, I personalized it more. What would I tell both my 16-year-old daughter and my 22-year-old son?
Rather than giving them a specific age or situation (e.g., “when you find the right person”), I would tell them why I remained a virgin until I got married. Yes, despite biological urges, social pressures, and even some “close calls” on my wedding night at the age of 22 I had my first sexual experience. I’m proud of that.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I mentioned some “close calls.” I wasn’t an angel. Honestly, there were some heavy petting episodes that I am not particularly proud of. But, there was something in my mind that would not allow me to “go all the way” to consummate the deal. Based on my religious convictions, I just didn’t think I could live with myself if I just let go.
Why did I wait? Some might call it fear. Others might say avoiding shame or guilt. I’m sure all of these are true at some level. But, looking back, I really do think God was protecting me in some ways. I didn’t want God or my family to be disappointed in me. I didn’t want to give away something that I could never undo. That is about as sophisticated as my thinking was during those years.
Now with many more years of experiences and knowledge, I can better articulate (even making a Top 10 list) why I am so glad that I was a virgin when I married. And, most of these same reasons explain why I have stayed and expect to remain faithful to my wife alone.
This article isn’t intended to call out or guilt anyone who chose to be sexual before marriage. Whether you are glad you did or regret it, it is done. You aren’t defined by it either way.
But, I do hope this is a salute and source of encouragement to others like me who choose to wait. I also pray that it will encourage those like my children and others like the 16-year-old posing the question when to start having sex to think carefully.
Top 10 Reasons I’m Glad that I was a Virgin When I Married
Reason #10: I can write this blog post
Well, its true. I could never write this blog post if I wasn’t a virgin when I married. But, there is a bigger point about the ability to be a living example of what is possible even when culture runs counter to it.
I want to be able to deliver my message without any sense of hypocrisy. I want to be a model for like-minded others. Sometimes, people just need to know what’s possible. How many times have you seen someone achieve some milestone and said to yourself “If they can do it, I can do it.”
If you desire to save your full physical, emotional, and psychological expression to share in a covenantal relationship then my message to you is that it can be done. If you’re a teen with high school pressures, I remember those days of feeling left out and lonely. If you’re a single adult, I remember the awkwardness of some dating relationships during my college years.
I’m proud to represent and give voice to my value of premarital abstinence.
Reason #9: I know exactly how many kids I’ve fathered
There has been much attention, especially in urban centers, about the issue of fatherlessness. There are far too many socioeconomic variables impacting this highly publicized area for me to address here.
Suffice it to say that every man involved in creating a child is responsible for being a father to that child. Being a father is more than some vain conquest or bragging rights. Fatherhood is a lifetime commitment to sacrifice and develop your young. If you are not consistently engaged, you’re not a father. You’re a sperm donor.
The reality, however, is that many men don’t even know kids that they have fathered. Granted, there are clearly situations where this is intentionally withheld from him. But, there are far too many situations where either the mom isn’t sure of paternity herself because of being involved with multiple partners or the man has literally or figuratively disappeared without a trace.
Personally, I know that I have fathered two children. I have and will continue to sacrifice for my kids. They and their mother know my lifetime commitment to them.
Reason #8: Never worry about sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)
Given that neither I nor my wife had any sexual partners outside of our marriage, I have literally never in my life worried for one second about contracting a sexually-transmitted disease.
While some suggest that “safe sex” is the answer, most objective people acknowledge that the only safe sex is no sex if you are thinking of STDs and pregnancy. I just think in my own marriage of those times when we were using condoms in our own family planning efforts. We had so many mishaps even in our carefully “controlled” setting. When these mishaps occur, think of the psychological angst and physical exposure you feel until a test validates that everything is fine.
In 2012, the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) reports nearly 1.5 million cases of chlamydia, nearly 335,000 cases of gonorrhea, and more than 15,000 cases of syphilis (each representing an increase over 2011 figures). And, this isn’t even dealing with chronic diseases like HIV. You can access the report here. And, as you might guess the CDC confirms that the greatest increase in these diseases is among young people ages 15-24—with young women facing the greatest long-term health risk.
I am so grateful that I never have to carry this psychological burden.
Reason #7: I have never coerced or encouraged a woman to have sex for which she wasn’t ready
Physical intimacy is done best among mature people. But, so often it isn’t—resulting in many (especially women) with regrets about giving themselves sexually when they really weren’t ready to do so.
I suspect I would have felt guilty for a long time if I ever fostered such regret.
Reason #6: Proof that it can be done
Nobody can tell me that it can’t be done. I’ve spoken with quite a few males over the years trying to convince me that it is not realistic to expect a guy to remain celibate for so many years.
That’s bull. I’ve done it. And, so can you.
And, if you’re a parent wondering if it is realistic to have this expectation for your child. Yes, have the expectation. And, voice that expectation to them. They can do it with the right encouragement. But, if they choose not to, you have done your part to offer guidance. But, be sure to continue your efforts to engage and guide them even if they don’t make the choices that you prefer.
Reason #5: Sense of pride in being obedient to my religious convictions
Much of my thinking about premarital sex is rooted in my Christian faith tradition. These convictions have been instilled in me since I was a young boy. Granted, I wasn’t given any tools or systematic education to help me live out these convictions. But, clearly, I believed that God desired me to wait until I was married to have sex.
Now, I realize that there are many Christians who choose sexuality outside of the marital context. And, that is between you and God.
But, I also know many Christians who carry around a sense of guilt that their behavior is not aligned with their convictions. They feel like hypocrites. Many of them decide to leave the faith to avoid the cognitive dissonance that they experience. Others just live with a residual sense of guilt.
At least in this area, I feel a sense of pride that there is an alignment between my faith and my behavior. I talk boldly because I don’t worry about any hypocrisy. There is no guilt or proverbial “skeletons in my closet” that I worry about.
Reason #4: Give the gift of celibacy to my wife
Though I can’t say I was mature enough to appreciate this when I got married, in retrospect, I am grateful I could give this gift of celibacy to my wife—especially because she was a virgin herself.
Though possibly less than in the past, there continues to be a double standard for men and women. Men are not typically stigmatized by their sexual conquests while promiscuous women are often cast in a negative light.
It means a lot to me that my wife was a virgin when we married. She saved herself as a gift to the man she would marry. And, I am honored that I could give the same thing back to her.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that your marriage is any less special if you came into the relationship with sexual experience. For you, the key is to give the gift of monogamy to one another. That too is something to be quite proud about.
Reason #3: Debunk the notion that guys only want “one thing”
Men have a reputation (often justifiably so) that when we are in a relationship that we ultimately only have one thing on our mind. All of the flowers, the candy, the dinners, and the engaging conversation are ultimately about coaxing the young lady to the bedroom.
Given that I did not pursue sexual intercourse in any of my dating relationships, I am proof that not all guys are only interested in sex. I wanted companionship. I wanted to have fun together. I wanted intellectual stimulation. I wanted closeness. But, I expected sex to only happen after matrimony.
Yes, there are some guys who are focused on sexual conquest or self-centeredness to getting their own biological urges satisfied. But, there are many guys like I was with a much broader view.
By the way, this is a big issue even after you get married. We husbands have to avoid the trap of coming across as only wanting sex from our wives. We need to give spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy to have a thriving marriage.
Reason #2: My wife is my only frame of reference
I have had sex with one woman in my life. And, I enjoy it.
Because I’ve never had any better or worse partner, I have no point of comparison. There are no memories of prior enjoyable experiences that might leave me disappointed in any aspect of our physical intimacy.
Sure, we have our sexual miscues as does every long-term relationship. And, yes, I’m sure even after more than 25 years that we still have plenty to learn about maximizing our physical intimacy.
But, I am so grateful that I can never compare my current experience with anything I’ve ever experienced before.
Reason #1: I can encourage my kids to do as I did
And, my number one reason that I’m glad that I waited is what I want to express to my kids.
I will never have to say “do as I say, not as I do”. My wife and I have had conversations with them over the years about our expectation that they commit themselves to waiting until marriage to have sex. We can speak with authority.
Of course, I have no idea if they will heed our advice and prayer. But, they will always know in spite of what the culture presents to them that their parents did it. In this area as in many others, we want to model our values and our faith to our children and future generations of the Arnold family.
As I said at the outset, my intent is not to judge anyone else’s sexual behavior. It is simply to reflect on my own gratitude and model for those with like values.
I’d love to hear your thoughts for and against what I’ve suggested here.
Back in 2013, Oxygen premiered Preachers of LA, a new kind of reality TV show that gave the world a glimpse into the lives of several prominent preachers. Fast forward to today and the success of the show has lead to its first spin-off, Preachers of Detroit. The new series, which premiered a few weeks ago, features a new cast of prominent preachers from the Detroit area who promise to keep viewers tuned in every week. The cast includes, Bishop Charles Ellis, Bishop-elect Clarence Langston, Bishop Corletta Vaughn, Pastor David Bullock, Pastor Don Shelby, Pastor Timothy Allen and Evangelist Dorinda Clark-Cole. Just in case you’ve missed out on the first few episodes, here are a few things we’ve learned since the show’s premiere:
1. Men of God Are Flawed Too
I honestly don’t even know where to start with this one. Wait, I know! Let’s start with Pastor David Bullock, the fearless activist of the show. Bullock was raised in Detroit and is a man who is determined to make a difference in his hometown. As the youngest in the group, he also doesn’t mind face-to-face confrontation with some of Detroit’s most influential and more seasoned leaders. The first couple of episodes featured Bullock coordinating a rally to bring awareness to the voting rights of the citizens of Detroit. So far, so good, right? Oh, but wait. It gets better.
Pastor David Bullock (Photo Credit: Oxygen)
Although Bullock means well, sometimes his communication with other cast members can come across as condescending and, one might even say, a bit disrespectful. For example, he referred to other leaders as “ignorant” and out of touch with the community because they no longer live in the actual city of Detroit. All of this comes to a head during a “pow wow” organized by Bishop Charles Ellis—yes, that Bishop Ellis, pastor of megachurch Greater Grace Temple and the presiding bishop of the Pentecostal Assemblies of the World— who serves as the peacemaker of the show. The entire cast attended the meeting in an attempt to get all of the leaders on the same page. But, despite the bishop’s efforts, the conversation quickly turned sour among the group, especially between Pastor Bullock and Bishop-elect Langston whose views on ministry and leadership tend to vary. After a couple more encounters full of insults and egos, Langston finally set up one more meeting in an attempt to apologize for his part in the conflict. Eventually they both realized that they have the same goals, which is to find a way to serve the people of Detroit, and all was well.
2. Males Aren’t the Only Ones Against Females in Leadership Roles in the Church
Bishop Corletta Vaughn, the leading lady of the show, is Detroit’s first African-American female bishop, and as you can imagine, her role in the church hasn’t come without a price, including backlash from male leaders in the church and conflict in her marriage (We’ll get to that part later). But, let’s be honest here. The debate on whether or not it’s wrong for females to serve as leaders in the church is nothing new. Therefore, that storyline certainly wouldn’t have been enough to hold our attention or keep those television ratings flowing.
But when the show sheds light on the opinions of other women who also disagree with the idea of females serving as bishops? See, now you have our attention, and this is where Evangelist Dorinda Clark-Cole comes into the picture. You might have heard of her thanks to her huge success as a member of the Grammy award winning Clark Sisters. Well, during the show, we also learn that Clark-Cole is a woman who firmly believes that “it’s a man’s church” and the idea of a woman serving as a bishop is “inappropriate.” Believe it or not, Clark-Cole is not alone. In fact, the wife and daughters of Pastor Don Shelby also agree with this sentiment. We were able to witness this heated debate during a women’s luncheon that was organized by Chrisette Ellis, wife of Bishop Ellis. (Can you tell that the Ellis family is all about unity?) However, the spirited debate came to a head when the topic of the “S-word” hit the table.
It was time to talk about submission.
Although all of the women agree that the term “submission” means something different for each woman, depending on your biblical beliefs and how you’re raised, Pastor Shelby’s daughters were particularly passionate about their stance on a woman’s place in leadership. One of the sisters even went so far as to say she probably wouldn’t vote for a female president because women should not hold those kinds of leadership roles. Yes, you read that correctly. I’m sure as time goes on, we will see how these views change or stay the same. Personally, I’m all about change.
3. There’s More Than Meets the Eye
By now we know that all pastors have a story. Sure, you can find them in the pulpit on Sunday morning inspiring the masses and saving souls, but that is just one part of who they are and where they’ve been. In fact, many of these same leaders are from the very streets that they preach about.
Today, you’ll find the Detroit native rolling in his gorgeous white Bentley and living the lavish life in his beautiful home along with his wife and kids, but what many people don’t know is that Langston has a story filled with drugs, violence and even suicidal thoughts. His biological mother was murdered when he was very young and he eventually chose to embrace the streets of Detroit and live a life of selling drugs and violence. During the premiere episode, he opened up about trying to kill himself by holding a gun up to his head and pulling the trigger multiple times. Fortunately, the gun never went off. And as time went on, Langston eventually received his calling and is now one of the most influential pastors in Detroit.
Like Langston, Bishop Vaughn knows all about having only certain aspects of her life on public display, while there are other things that go on behind closed doors that only you and a spouse struggle with. As if the stress of being a female bishop isn’t enough, Vaughn is also dealing with the current challenges of her marriage. Her husband, Gilbert, actually resides in two states, Michigan and North Carolina, and has been traveling back and forth between the states for more than 11 years. However, lately he’s been spending more and more time in North Carolina which doesn’t sit well with the bishop and has caused a huge strain on their marriage. Hopefully, the couple will find a solution in a future episode.
4. Preachers in the Black Community Still Have a Lot of Influence
One thing that I have noticed throughout all of these episodes is the need for preachers to be involved in major issues affecting the community. Once upon a time, a community—especially a black community—wouldn’t make any major decisions without the input of the local church leadership. I think we can all agree that times have changed, but today’s preachers still have a lot of influence within their communities.
A great example of this was when Bullock was coordinating his rally. He knew that in order for his agenda to change the local voting rights to be a success, he would have to take to the streets of Detroit and reach out to people from all walks of life, including the ‘hood, so he enlisted Pastor Mo, a friend and colleague who was a product of the streets to help recruit attendees for the rally. Sure, Bullock started receiving some traction using the grassroots method, but he knew that in order for the rally to be a success, he still needed more support of other local pastors in the area, particularly Bishop Ellis. Unfortunately Ellis was unable to attend the rally, but it doesn’t change the fact that his influence, like so many other pastors across the nation, is unavoidable.
5. It’s Refreshing to See Positive Images of African Americans for a Change
Regardless of how you feel about reality TV, you can’t deny the positive aspects of Preachers of Detroit. Not only does the show create awareness around the issues that have been haunting the city for years, such as poverty and violence, but its national platform also showcases positive images of the black family unit.
One relationship that is featured during every episode is the father-daughter bond among the pastors and their daughters. We get to witness Pastor Shelby taking his youngest daughter, Amber, on her first date as a way to teach her a lesson on chivalry and self-respect. Towards the end of the date, Shelby gifts his daughter with an adorable teddy bear and a purity ring, which symbolizes her vow of abstinence until marriage.
Another great example is the fact that the majority of the cast are in long-term, committed relationships and support their spouses. Sure, each relationship is drastically different (please refer back to ladies’ conversation on submission), but what relationship isn’t? The bottom line is that viewers are able to see multiple African American Christian couples in long-lasting, monogamous relationships, which isn’t so common in today’s society. So far, all of the couples seem like they’re in it for the long-run. Then again, we still have several episodes to go, so I suppose we’ll have to stay tuned.
Be sure to come back next week for a recap of future episodes.
Pastor Timothy Alden may be the only white pastor in the cast of “Preachers of Detroit” but that isn’t his most defining characteristic. UrbanFaith.com had a chance to talk with the Detroit born and raised pastor about how he sees himself, his hopes for the city of Detroit, the influence of reality TV and much more.
This interview was edited for length and clarity.
How has the move back to Detroit gone and what are the challenges you’ve faced with being on the show?
I still live in LA so I didn’t move physically back to Detroit. I’ve been going back and forth to Detroit because I have family there and I do ministry on and off at different churches and different events in Detroit. But, I definitely have been home more frequently. Some of the challenges of that have been just feeling the city, feeling what the city has been through, and then really committing to hoping there will be a comeback for Detroit.
Considering that Detroit is a city in a state of disrepair, what would you say are your specific hopes and dreams for the city especially as it pertains to your work and the show?
My passion in ministry has always been youth and I believe that when a city goes through the things that Detroit goes through, the ones that really catch the brunt of it, are the youth of the city. The youth having hope for a bright future, which is difficult living in Detroit with so much hopelessness surrounding them, is important. So my passion has really been how to reach the youth.
Do you have any specific ideas about how you want to do that?
Well I gear the message to young people at every church I go; everywhere I have an opportunity to speak I talk about young people about having vision, hope for the future. I also have a platform of abstinence that I preach to young people, I bring that message with me and it’s one that I model myself because I’m still a virgin and unmarried and committed to a life of abstinence and celibacy until I get married and I believe that’s a real important message for our youth with the statistics of STDs, teenage pregnancies, and high school dropouts. And that’s one of the important messages that I do stress when I have an opportunity to speak to them.
What is the practical advice that you give young people and your congregants on the regular about maintaining celibacy and abstinence in a culture such as we exist in?
That’s a great question and it’s one that I answer frequently because it is a message that’s targeted toward youth but it certainly applies to people of all ages. Basically it’s that we are all born with a purpose and we all have a reason for being on the planet and the relationships that we have should compliment that not serve as a distraction from that. There’s a scripture from the Bible that I use, “Without a vision the people perish,” and the word perish in the Hebrew translation means “they die for lack of discipline or their dreams and their hopes die for lack of discipline.” So to not get involved in the relationship in an intimate or serious way is a discipline issue. And how many people have gotten off track and maybe never gotten back on track as it relates to their education, their entrepreneurial dreams, their skills, their talents, how many have never developed themselves because they’ve invested a lot of time and energy into a relationship that they weren’t really ready for or that wasn’t really right for them.
So I just really teach people who, “You are complete as an individual, you don’t have to succumb to trying to be with somebody to get over your loneliness, you don’t have to succumb to the pressure of just getting with anybody or hooking up—as they say—because you’re feeling those temporary emotions like loneliness and heartache that you can push through it and focus on the bigger picture of where you want to be in your future and God will send the right people and the right person in a mate that will compliment that.
We have to know who we are before are ready to connect with someone on that intimate level.
Given your single and celibate status, are you going to be like the Bishop Noel Jones of Detroit?
Well there is another single pastor, there’s actually two of us. For myself I wouldn’t compare myself to Noel Jones or say that I’m going to be the Noel Jones of Detroit, I’m very different from the rest of the cast from Preachers of LA. This is a different show, it’s a unique show, a unique cast, a different city, a different flavor. So I think people are going to be surprised in a good way at the differences. I don’t think you can really compare any of the cast to the cast of Preachers of LA, it’s a completely different group of people who bring a different, unique perspective to the show.
What compels you to participate in a show such as “Preachers of Detroit” given what some people think is what can be or what is the negative influence of reality television?
That’s a good question. First of all I was in one episode of “Preachers of LA,” one episode in the last season, so I’m already familiar with the producers of show because the producer, Lemuel Plummer, is from Detroit and his dad is a pastor in Detroit. So I know his dad and I know him and when I was approached about “Preachers of Detroit,” being from Detroit, Lemuel thought it would be a good idea to bring me in as one of the cast members, considering that I am from there and I love the city and have a heart for the city. So when I agreed to do the show, I really listened to what their motivation was: to specifically highlight Detroit and how different this show was going to be, and that’s what encouraged me to commit to doing it.
As far as the negativity of reality TV, I think that reality TV itself isn’t negative, it could be some of what is portrayed on reality TV that could be considered negative. So I wanted to be a positive contributor to reality TV since it does have such a huge platform in our culture today, I really felt impressed to bring a different message other than what people have seen, typically, in reality television.
Many would say that a pastor participating in a show, even about pastors, is slipping into being of the world instead of in the world. So what is your response to those types of detractors?
My response has been, because I’ve heard that, the Scripture talks about us being “salt and light” and being “a city sat on a hill” and I really believe it’s time for the church to come out of the four walls and the stained glass windows and really speak to culture and spark some important conversations. Of course my story is unique in a lot of ways with abstinence, virginity, and celibacy…I was adopted by an African-American family and that’s going to be part of the story of the show as well. So it gives me an opportunity to speak about some issues that need to have a bigger platform as far as the conversation is concerned. I think the church has been happy with just TBN and some smaller Christian networks, but I believe God is opening a great opportunity for us to bring something to a bigger audience, not just church and religious people. Jesus was often accused of hanging out with sinners and hanging out with people who the religious Pharisees of the day thought that he shouldn’t be with and he definitely impacted the culture in a very profound way by being with people who some people thought he shouldn’t be hanging out with, those kind of people.
What is your relationship like with other pastors on the show?
Well me being born and raised in Detroit, I’m familiar with most of the cast already, some of them I’ve had personal interaction with, some of them I’ve not. But you’ll see a really unique group of people come together and it’ll be very unique to see how we relate to each other and how we get to know each other on another level. I think this is what’s going to make the show really good.
What was your experience like being adopted by an African-American family, when did that happen and what does that mean that you are the lone white pastor in the midst of this community of black pastors on the show?
Well I’ll say as a teenager, experiencing some things in my biological family which of course was the opening for me to really be introduced to a culture where I found an overwhelming amount of love and acceptance from a teenager on up into adulthood, it impacted my life just the way I was embraced and loved and received just blew me away. So people who look different from you and aren’t necessarily blood related but love you just the same, that’s been the stabilizing factor, that made a difference in my life, that was the most impactful thing.
The other part of your question about being the white pastor, I kind of don’t see myself as being a white pastor because I was born and raised in Detroit. I’m really with people who I’m used to being with. Of course I know other people looking on the outside will see that, but I’m very comfortable with it. With the show, with Detroit, it’s so unique because it brings a different flavor to the cast. We have two women on the show as well. So it’s going to be very unique to see the cast in its uniqueness. I am a white pastor but I’m not a typical white guy and people will see that and it will open up the door to talk about an important conversation that we need to have in our nation regarding race and racial reconciliation.
On the topic of racial reconciliation, what are you hoping to communicate?
I think what I would like people to see, with my life in general, is that love really has no color, it’s just one layer of skin that separates us. Underneath that skin we’re all the same and we all need love and acceptance and it can happen to people who are different from another. Our diversity really makes us stronger, and a lot of the problems and issues we see in our culture is because people are divided.
On your church website you mention the gift of prophecy and the accuracy of your prophecy. What does being a prophet mean to you and will we see some of that gifting released on the show?
Well there’s a variety of things you will see on the show, some services in there, some more personal sides. I don’t know that the show is going to necessarily highlight that aspect of my ministry.
What I think is important about prophecy and being an important gift is that the Bible says that the church is built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets and those gifts are often misunderstood and misrepresented or not represented at all. And the thing that’s unique about a prophet or flowing in a prophetic gift is it’s not necessarily something that comes from your head. Or if, like, I’m teaching a message I can study ahead of time, I can have an outline, I can have scriptures, and I can have Greek and Hebrew words defined. But when I minister to a person, and something is revealed to me that I didn’t know about that person, and it’s something that ministers to them and they know that it had to be God to expose that because they know I don’t know them, then it just really builds the faith of the individual that receives the ministry. It’s kind of like knowing God is really real because I know this person doesn’t know this about me.
There are certain topics that scream single Christian. Sex and singleness is one of those topics. How does one life a fulfilling single, Christian life in a culture inundated with sexual imagery? Author Hafeez Baoku has entered the fray with his new project, Sex, God, and the Single Life: An Honest Journey to Satisfying Intimacy. But his work isn’t the usual “save yourself for marriage because the Bible says so” reflection on sex and the single life. It’s real. It’s transparent. It’s compelling.
A Healthy Sexuality
In the book, Hafeez speaks candidly about his own pursuit of a healthy sexuality. He recounts stories of friends giving him a distorted view of sexuality. As most of us can remember, sex education at school was a joke. Because others failed to help him develop a healthy sex ethic, Baoku admits to receiving his early sex education from Hollywood films. Who couldn’t relate to that?
The Grand Design
Hafeez then introduces the reader to God’s grand design for sex. Sex is good! God created it that way. Hafeez notes that, “Sex is the greatest physical representation of real intimacy between a man a woman” (43). Baoku also notes sin’s ability to fracture that good thing. In analyzing the cultural practices of selfish sexuality, he addresses many taboo issues, including 2-D sex (yeah, 2-D…better known as porn), friends with benefits, and no strings attached forms of expression. Offering advice to fellow singles on what it takes to become a great lover, the book dispels the myth that sex or relationships will bring us fulfillment. The single person needs to know that its “God, not sex, in whom our hearts desperately desire to be fully satisfied” (79).
Avoiding the Waiting Room
But Baoku isn’t just throwing out Christian cliches. He provides practical ways Christians can experience a joy-filled existence apart from sex. Singleness, according to Baoku, isn’t just a waiting room—hoping to get a shot of joy with the needle labeled marriage. Rather, singles can benefit from joy-filled, intimate friendships with (even opposite-gender relationships)—something he details in Chapter 8 (which happens to be my favorite chapter in the book).
Closing Thoughts
Though I’m married, much of what Baoku writes in this book would have resonated with my single self when I was trying to determine ways to live a joyous, single life. I especially appreciated his practical steps for purity (which he also gives a fresh perspective on—it’s not your abstinence ring ceremony type common with young people).
I applaud Baoku’s recognition of his own limitations as a single male. He offers a great Q&A in the epilogue with an older, godly married couple and a young, single woman. It shows his thoughtful approach in making sure he captured information he might not be aware of as a single male. I would commend this book to singles who are thinking through issues of sexuality and intimacy. There are ways you can express your sexuality as a single that leads to God-honoring, intimate relationships. And you don’t have to be frustrated doing it. In Sex, God, and the Single Life, Baoku outlines ways to avoid that frustration.
The book releases today, July 5th, and is available for purchase on Amazon.
