Today is Ash Wednesday, the day which marks the beginning of Lent for many in the Christian tradition. Thereafter, for 40-plus days, many will observe a period of prayer, almsgiving, and fasting from things ranging from certain types of food and television to shopping and social media. The fasting portion of Lent is what most people focus on and what people abstain from usually depends on what it is they believe is hindering their relationship with God. Most aren’t afraid to share what they will abstain from for Lent, but Lenten waters are sometimes muddied by that sharing. It is as if Lent is the new black and it is fashionable to rattle off the list of things you are giving up in order to gain the esteem of your colleagues–Christian or not. Some critics of this approach have compared it to a “benchmark for righteousness.” Stories have been published ad nauseum about the so-called “Lent trap” and I’ve noticed that, increasingly, my social media news feed is filling up with people throwing symbolic punches by way of status updates aimed at those who decide to share what it is they are fasting from. Yet no one is free from the Lent trap, not the person who makes a list and shouts it twice or the person who chin checks the person who makes the list. In both cases, the people are being boastful either about what they are giving up or the fact that they have reached a pious peak that is above stooping to the perceived valleys of talking about what they will give up.
All of this conversation must be muted for the sake of upholding the sanctity and penitent nature of this upcoming season. A season where we are all faced with the same reminder, “Remember that thou art dust, and to dust thou shalt return”(Genesis 3:19). And we are all told, “Repent, and believe the Gospel” (Mark 1:15). Whether you are one who proudly proclaims what you have given up for Lent or one who proclaims how Lent should be done in light of your revelation about the vanity of proclaiming what you will give up, the Ash Wednesday lectionary text teaches us all a lesson about the performance of piety.
Matthew 6:1-4 says,
“Beware of practicing your piety before others in order to be seen by them; for then you have no reward from your Father in heaven. “So whenever you give alms do not sound a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, so that they may be praised by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward. But when you give alms do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your alms may be done in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you.”
Here Jesus is contrasting the piety of the hypocrites to the piety rewarded by the Father in heaven. This piety is inward and requires the individual to do pious acts in private, which was not something the Pharisees were doing at the time. On the topic of almsgiving, Jesus warned his followers that they weren’t to alert the masses to giving alms by way of trumpet blowing, they were to give their alms in secret and their heavenly Father, who sees in secret, will reward them. In the same way, we are called to such a quietness in service so as not to draw attention to ourselves but to draw attention to God. This scripture also introduces us to two phrases that will repeat two more times throughout Ash Wednesday’s text, “Truly I tell you, they have received their reward.” And “…your Father who sees in secret will reward you.”
Jesus continues by talking about prayer. Of this he says,
“And whenever you pray, do not be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, so that they may be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward. But whenever you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you” (Matthew 6:5-6, NRSV).
Again Jesus warns of doing pious acts in the public eye and reminds followers that their Father “who is in secret and sees in secret will reward” them. In the case of prayer, followers are not to stand in the public places where they can be seen nor should they “heap up empty phrases as Gentiles do; for they think that they will be heard because of their many words.” Instead he tells them to pray the prayer that we have come to know as the Lord’s Prayer. In this way there is no room for bloviating, only God-oriented thanksgiving and petition. This concern about prayer turns the act from outward posturing to inward connection.
Matthew 6:16-18, is the linchpin of the Lenten season, in it Jesus says,
“And whenever you fast, do not look dismal, like the hypocrites, for they disfigure their faces so as to show others that they are fasting. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward. But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, so that your fasting may not be seen by others but by your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you” (Matthew 6:16-18, NRSV).
At once this scripture appears to contradict the spirit of the Lenten season. It seems to go against remembering mortality, humility, and penitence in exchange for putting on a happy face. But it isn’t a contradiction. Actually, the text focuses on three of the several disciplines of Lent; almsgiving, prayer, and fasting. In this particular text, Jesus is encouraging followers to let none be the wiser when they are fasting. By telling his followers not to look dismal or disfigure their faces he is telling them not to draw attention to themselves. They are supposed to keep the same countenance as if they weren’t fasting and let the act be about what is going on inside of them, not what they display on the outside. We too can learn from this teaching during this season, the lesson being that what we choose to fast from or how we choose to observe Lent in general is not something we proclaim to the masses lest we miss the point.
In Psalm 51, David gives us further direction about our posture during this season when he says, “You desire truth in the inward being; therefore teach me wisdom in my secret heart.” Again we are faced with the secret nature of our search for God which is connected to our inward being and caring for our inward selves. Our participation in Lent is for our relationship with God “the Father who is in secret and who sees in secret.” What we choose to do is between God and us and need not be shared. Granted, we can find accountability when we share what we are abstaining from with a close circle of friends, but what we choose to do in this season is really no one’s business but our own and God’s.
By keeping our lists secret or keeping our judgement secret from those who announce their lists we open ourselves all the more to what God wants to do in our lives during this season. In doing this we open ourselves to God’s reward and that is the point of it all.
Do you participate in Lent? What does this period of reflection and sacrifice mean to you? Share your thoughts below.
Yes, these are all great questions to ask anyone while dating. However, there are some key questions Christians often forget to ask. While not everyone desires marriage (Matthew 19:11-12; 1 Corinthians 7:7), marriage is often the ultimate goal for dating Christians (Genesis 2:24). Thus, our questions must be guided by our faith, wisdom and our intentions. So, in an effort to help you along your dating journey, we’ve included five important questions that we as Christians should be asking, but often overlook:
1) Is Jesus Christ your personal Lord and Savior?
This is a question that should be asked early on in the dating process. Believe it or not, many of us date non-believers or presume our potential mate’s salvation status more than we’d like to admit, instead of just asking. Putting this question out there helps us keep Christ at the center of our new friendships and relationships, forces us and our dates to truly examine our faith, and it shows our potential mates that faith is a priority in our life. Besides, asking this question immediately weeds out those with whom we would be unequally yoked (2 Corinthians 6:14).
2) Are we casually dating or are we “courting”?
Casual dating can be a fun way to meet new people, but it is riddled with ambiguity and emotional frustration. This can be a waste of time for those who truly desire marriage. Thus, courting is a Christian’s best bet. Courting allows you to focus solely on getting to know your date, pray for one another and to prayerfully seek God’s will for your relationship before marriage. After about three months of “hanging out,” it’s reasonable and fair to inquire about your potential mate’s long-term intentions. Are you two free to see other people, or are you two seeking God and a long-term relationship—together?
3) What are your physical boundaries?
We (should) know that sex and all related acts before marriage is a no go (Hebrews 13:14). Though it’s natural to desire to be affectionate toward your romantic interest, wisdom precludes any arousing physical contact – this can include kisses and hugs. Understanding your date’s physical boundaries (beyond sex) keeps you both accountable, honors personal convictions and, above all, honors God. Clarify each other’s boundaries up front and respect them.
4) What is your philosophy on debt and tithing?
Debt and tithing are only part of a larger discussion on money management, and this discussion should occur well before you and your bank accounts become one. Christians actually maintain varying degrees of convictions regarding tithing and debt. In fact, there are more views on tithing than we can count. While there are also Christians who view any form of debt – including mortgages – as a sin, while others believe some debt is warranted as long as it is repaid. However, having varying convictions about finances doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker (Romans 14), but these variances will require lots of conversation, and will greatly impact financial decisions and lifestyle choices in a marriage.
5) Who Comes First? Wife, Parent or Kids?
They say that how a man treats his mother is how he’ll treat his wife. This is a great adage to consider while dating. But God said – and Jesus Christ reiterated – that a marrying man must “leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:5). Yet, some husbands not only put heir mothers ahead of their wives, they expect their wives to understand this arrangement. Meanwhile, some wives are guilty of putting their children before their husband, and they expect their husbands to just roll with it. These mindsets are clearly out of sync with scripture, as they can deal deathblows to the “one flesh” mandate. While dating, we often think of our needs or judge how our dates might fit into our world. But we must also assess our willingness to make them number one and our ability to be one with them – above all others.
Christian dating can be fun, but it shouldn’t be done haphazardly. Asking the right questions saves time, guards hearts and preserves godly intentions.
In Meket – a district in Ethiopia’s Amhara National Regional State (ANRS) – efforts are underway to restore what experts say is one of the more severely deforested and degraded regions in the country.
Of the land in ANRS, less than 2 percent forested land remains, and efforts are underway to restore degraded and deforested areas.
In 2016, Ethiopia turned to forestry sector development projects in the form of short rotation planting and rehabilitation of degraded lands in ANRS and other districts.
DEBRETABOR, Ethiopia – At a tree nursery in Ethiopia’s Meket district, young men and women pack small plastic bags with soil. The indigenous and exotic species grown here were previously sown directly into the earth, but the growth efficiency was less than 50 percent, according to Melak Dagnew, a forest development project coordinator in the country’s Meket district.
With the introduction of the plastic bags, into which the seedlings are first planted, and a consistent regimen of post-plantation care — watering, weeding, adding compost — the efficiency rate has risen to 93 percent, Dagnew says, and the trees have grown as much as 5 meters (16 feet) in just a year.
“Soil erosion, land degradation and, as a result, a reduction of productivity were observed widely,” says Dagnew. Meket is one of the four districts in Ethiopia’s Amhara National Regional State (ANRS) where land restoration pilot projects are being carried out.
“The lack of forest products like fuelwood, wood for fencing and housing purposes for the community were observed because of population increase followed by the consumption of natural forests in a short period of time,” he said.
Known for its densely populated highlands and rain-dependent agriculture, the ANRS is one of the more severely deforested and degraded regions in the country. Recent studies show that out of 157,000 square kilometers (60,600 square miles) of land, less than 2 percent is covered by forest.
An analysis of forest coverage by Ethiopia’s Ministry of Environment, Forestry and Climate Change found that nearly 12,000 square kilometers (4,600 square miles) of forest — an area half the size of the island of Sicily — was lost between 2000 and 2013.
Students of the church live in small huts around the church’s land. Photo by Maheder Haileselassie Tadese for Mongabay.
Only 2,460 square kilometers (950 square miles) of forest cover was gained, making the forest sector one of the top contributors to domestic greenhouse gas emissions. By pledging to restore 150,000 square kilometers (58,000 square miles) of its degraded and deforested land by 2025, an area half the size of Arizona, Ethiopia has joined the global movement toward forest landscape restoration, or FLR.
Just over a fifth of that figure, or 34,000 square kilometers (13,100 square miles), has recently been identified as suitable for reforestation.
Native vs. non-native trees
The landscape in Meket district is rugged and highly degraded, and ranges in altitude from 1,200 to 3,000 meters (3,900 to 9,800 feet). Since 2016, it’s been among the districts where forestry sector development projects have been implemented in the form of short rotation planting and rehabilitation of degraded lands.
The species planted here include the naturally occurring African juniper (Juniperus procera), wild olive (Olea africana) and flat top acacia (Acacia abyssinica). Non-native varieties include Tasmanian bluegum (Eucalyptus globulus), river red gum (Eucalyptus camaldulensis) and Mexican cypress (Cupressus lusitanica).
Of the indigenous seedlings that are planted, 35 percent are fast-growing species and 30 percent are slow-growth varieties. Despite the considerable effort being invested to promote native plants, farmers who need fuelwood for income and for construction purposes favor non-native plants like eucalyptus, which reach maturity for cutting quickly and can grow back up to four times faster than some native species after the initial cut.
Part of a secured land for restoration in Meket, Amhara region. Photo by Maheder Haileselassie Tadese for Mongabay.
But this expediency comes at a cost. Eucalyptus trees are known to affect soil conditions, groundwater and the overall biological diversity of the areas in which they occur. Yet despite this, studies show that 90 percent of plantations in Ethiopia are covered by these species, favored for their fast-growing nature, rotation periods and market demand.
Tree selection isn’t the only challenge facing the reforestation effort. Other factors identified by researchers earlier this year include weed infestations and the spread of grazing and farmland. Shallow soil depths and scarcity of moisture in Meket district have also been obstacles.
On the other hand, the reforestation projects have hindered the free movement of area locals and their livestock herds.
In total, 165 square kilometers (64 square miles) from four restoration sites and 12 square kilometers (4.6 square miles) from half a dozen plantation sites have been undertaken in the last two to three years in Meket district alone. After the progress here and in other forestry sector development projects, the scope has grown. An initial slate of nine projects has expanded to 54 nationwide. The Amhara region remains at the forefront, with 24 reforestation projects.
A way forward
Mainly dependent on agriculture, Ethiopia’s economy is highly vulnerable to the impacts of climate change. Already it has suffered from recurring droughts and food security woes. The government has taken several steps toward combating these impacts, including the launch of the Climate Resilient Green Economy (CRGE) policy in 2011, aimed at building a zero-net-emissions economy by 2030 while maintaining the high growth rate needed to attain middle-income status by 2025.
This October, the Ministry of Environment, Forestry and Climate Change launched a 10-year road map for the forest sector, in collaboration with several nongovernmental partner institutions.
Perimeter of Debresena church near Debretabor, Ethiopia. Photo by Maheder Haileselassie Tadese for Mongabay.
Tefera Mengistu, a coordinator for the ministry’s Forest Sector Development Program, said five pillars were included in the road map: enabling environment; sustainable forest production and value chain; forest and rural livelihood; forest and environmental functions; and forest and urban greening. Unlike REDD+, which focuses mainly on reducing emissions from degradation and deforestation, the road map is concerned about the forest sector in general.
Land restoration and improvement of biodiversity get due emphasis under the pillar of forest and environmental functions, aimed at meeting the country’s commitment for the restoration of 150,000 square kilometers of land.
An alternative hope for farmers
Just outside the plant nursery, Asrat Haile, 61, weeds his farm where he hopes in a few months to start harvesting teff, the food grain used to make injera, Ethiopia’s national dish. To supplement his income, Haile also works as a security guard for one of the restoration sites in Meket district. Since it’s a rural area, it’s common for people to take a side job to gain more income.
Farmers cut grass and shrub fodder for their livestock. Photo by Maheder Haileselassie Tadese for Mongabay.
“All this terrain had no tree coverage and was severely degraded. But it’s coming back to life now that the project started.” Haile says, recalling the floods that followed during the rainy season because of the eroded soil and the severely degraded mountainous landscape. “I no longer see the water coming down.”
He and other farmers who make up to 61 percent of the earned income in the district are excited that the project includes many people living in poverty and creates employment opportunities. They plant the seedlings grown in the nurseries, both native and non-native trees. As the trees take root in their woodlots, they serve both as a source of fuelwood and timber, and as shade to rest under. Thousands of young men and women are now employed at sites for pitting, planting, watering and other post-plantation management.
In an effort to reduce wood cutting for fuel and construction purposes, the project has distributed hundreds of fuel-saving stoves and solar lights to households that have demonstrated the best performance throughout the project activities. The project also allows livestock farmers to enter areas secured for restoration to collect grass and shrubs for fodder during the January-May dry season.
There are other benefits.
On a nearby hill covered with bright yellow indigenous flowers locally known as adey abebaBidens macroptera), trained farmers gather at a beekeeping site that’s part of the reforestation project. They are able to produce up to 10 kilograms (22 pounds) of honey each year from a single hive.
“People were skeptical of the project at first,” says Dagnew, the project coordinator. “Drought and intensive grazing were identified to be major problems.” It took numerous discussions with the community before a mutual understanding was reached and the local people started to accept the projects.
They represent not just an economic advantage for the farmers, surrounded by harsh terrain, but also protection for the land against erosion and flooding. That also improves crop yield and productivity along the way.
The role of the church
The Ethiopian Orthodox Tewahedo Church has more than 40 million followers and over 35,000 churches all over the country, known for the old forests that envelop them. Even as the rest of the country consistently lost forest coverages over decades, it is in the vicinity of these churches where more than 200 of its last surviving indigenous tree species and remaining biodiversity are found.
Alemayheu Wassie, a leading researcher on the topic of church forests, was born and raised in the Amhara region’s South Gondar zone, where there are more than 1,400 church forests. He began his research in 2002 and has since then published more than 20 scientific papers focusing on the conservation and restoration of church forests. Five years ago, he led a project to build walls around or mark for protection 15 church forests carefully selected based on their high biodiversity and indigenous species.
One of these churches stands atop a hill in South Gondar. Known as Debresena it was established in the first half of the 16th century. The church forest contains 34 different tree species on just 11.5 hectares (28 acres) of land. But until a recent demarcation measure undertaken by Wassie and his team, it had been under severe pressure from intensive livestock grazing. This was followed by the planting of eucalyptus trees to replace the dominant indigenous trees such as hachitu (Dicrocephala integrifolia) and maget (Trifolium sp.).
Seedlings planted and grown in plastic bags have a high success rate. Photo by Maheder Haileselassie Tadese for Mongabay.
“Upon consultation with the community, we found the construction of stone walls on the perimeter of the church to be the easiest way of protecting the forest,” Wassie says. Stone walls are preferred because materials are easily available, there is potential for plants to grow in between the stones, and they are tough for cattle to push down. Whenever stone is unavailable for building walls, an artificial demarcation between the roads and farmlands and the church forest is used.
Once the area closure or demarcation is done, the local people are reluctant to encroach. As a result, a visible difference in terms of both quality and forest coverage area has developed. The difference is especially stark when compared to other church forests in the area where demarcation measures were not taken.
Forests have long been an important companion of the churches. They signify the dignity and prestige of the church and provide a tranquil atmosphere for the hermits and monks who live and contemplate in them. Many churches are built on hills, and the forest surrounding them helps to prevent wind and floods. Additionally, in early Ethiopian and church history, inks made from roots, leaves and flowers of various plants were used to draw paintings and produce books.
Changing times
According to Wassie, intensive livestock grazing and the increased need of farmers for more land to plow are the two major factors endangering the church forests of Ethiopia. The former hampers the regeneration of seeds by leaving no room for new trees to replace older ones, while the latter significantly reduces the forest coverage area.
With his persistent efforts and funding from the Florida-based Tree Foundation, Wassie was able to enclose more than a dozen churches in South Gondar. However, he says he’s concerned that, despite his repeated appeals, both church and government administrations won’t pay heed to the conservation and restoration work needed for church forests.
But there are also churches that are focused mainly on rotation plantation and self-sustainability, in addition to conserving what’s already there. Tsegur Michael Church is one of the many found in South Gondar that was established hundreds of years ago.
Melakesahel Kindu Kassahun, 52, is head of the church and the person in charge of overseeing all the decisions regarding the forest at Tsegur Michael. He says that 20 years ago the church asked the community for the surrounding land. The local people agreed, even though they grazed their cattle on the land.
Part of a Eucalpytus tree. Photo by Maheder Haileselassie Tadese for Mongabay.
Since then, the church has busied itself with planting eucalyptus for sale. The income generated from these trees pays for the salaries of the clergy and the purchase of items for the church, thus making the church self-sustaining and productive.
In addition to eucalyptus, they also plant trees Mexican cypress and grevillea that have a longer life cycle. The difference is that the trees for sale are planted outside the main compound of the church, because no cutting is permitted inside.
“It was first fenced to provide protection for the graveyard,” Kassahun says. Today, the fence that was meant to protect the dead has given life to the forest within.
Once a year after the completion of the Sunday mass service, an announcement is made for the farmers, reminding them to participate on terrace work at the plantation site, starting with the sections that are prone to erosion. This is followed by planting trees.
Unlike the conservation projects initiated by government policies and various nonprofit organizations in many parts of the country, the work that goes on at many of these church forests are initiated by the church and the community itself.
“[Church] forests are stepping stones and boot disks for the land restoration work that’s currently happening in different parts of the country.” Wassie says. “They will be the starting point if we wish to restore our previous natural forest.”
This article was originally published on Mongabay.
The first memory I have of watching pornography is when I was 11 years old. It’s amazing that I didn’t even have the vocabulary to describe what I was witnessing, yet the innocence of my brain and body were gone in an instant.
I didn’t know it then, but my body and mind were awakened to a world of sexual stimulants that I was never made to endure. According to an article by the New York Times, 93% of boys and 62% of girls are exposed to online pornography during their adolescence. This is an issue that goes beyond the church walls.
Porn addiction is more than mere videos or online seductions. Pornography is defined as the “printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity, intended to stimulate erotic rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings.”
It can be easy to say, “Well, since I don’t watch these videos or go to these websites, I don’t have a problem.” Wrong. How many times have I written off the absurdly graphic sexual encounters described in various books as pure literature or even worse, entertainment? They are stimulants that create a very real reaction.
My sexual education came from an awkward 5th grade class, an even more awkward 8th grade health class, pornography, and friends who were sexually active. The only times I can remember hearing about sex in church were once in a Sunday School class where the teacher said she could tell just by looking who has had sex, and a few relationship/marriage talks.
As the good Christian girl, I pledged to stay abstinent until marriage. However, my seemingly perfect chastity was made murky by the secret I kept.
When I was 19, I had an encounter with God that changed my life. Long story short, I decided enough was enough and I had to give my life to Jesus—my entire life. I knew I would be different from that moment on. I mean, Jesus had my heart so all of my bad habits left immediately, right? Wrong.
A few months after that, I found myself in a room by myself watching porn. Although something had changed… I realized there was a pattern for why and when I watched porn.
Shame. Fear. Control.
There’s an amazing ministry called Restoring the Foundations. They are trained to identify and help mend different hurts one collects as a byproduct of being a human.
One of the things they examine is the cycle of shame, fear, and control. The cycle goes something like this: A person feels shame for something they’ve done, they’re afraid of being discovered, so they try to control the situation themselves.
The clearest example of this is Adam and Eve in Genesis. They ate the fruit they were told not to eat, they were ashamed, they were fearful of being discovered, so they tried to control the situation by fashioning for themselves makeshift clothes to cover their nakedness.
Shame, as opposed to guilt, attaches itself to a person’s identity. It’s the difference between saying “I made a mistake” and saying “I am a mistake.” This is how I approached pornography.
There would be a trigger, mainly an emotional trigger, something that made me feel lonely or afraid. Then, I would engage with porn. Afterwards, I was ashamed.
I wasn’t the good girl everyone thought I was. I tried to control the situation myself. I tried so hard to be perfect on the outside to veil the mess that was inside. I could only control the situation until another emotional trigger set the cycle off over and over again. This pattern also illuminated that porn was just the symptom of a bigger problem.
Where do we go from here?
Learn your triggers. After I recognized the triggers that sent me running to the counterfeit embrace pornography offers, I could preempt my reaction to run to porn. Instead, I ran to God.
Ask for help. This will never get old. The thing about shame is, it breeds in darkness. It festers in your deepest thoughts. It feeds off of the lies you believe about yourself. Identify safe people you can ask for help. You weren’t made to live life alone. Above all, ask God for help. The same power that raised Christ from the dead lives in you. That’s a pretty stacked deck.
Accept the fact that you are loved. I elevated the shame I felt over the truth of God. According to Him, nothing can separate me from His love that is in Christ Jesus (Romans 8). According to Him, I am chosen. According to Him, I am forgiven.
For more statistics and help with combating porn addiction, visit fightthenewdrug.org.
It’s time to raise our fists and build our momentum to fight against the stereotypical, dead-beat dad. Not the selfish, under-loving, narcissistic, self-proclaimed kings that are fathers at tax season and ghost during the year. The fathers who actually want to be ever-present in their children’s lives, but many women keep them at bay and force them to identify as dead-beats.
Oftentimes we hear about the vindictive SSM (Salty Single Mom) who feeds into an unfortunate, cultural stigma with the law at her advantage to satisfy the vengeance of her heart. And as a result of this, there are men who want to be dedicated fathers but are labeled as dead-beats by the SSM. And the worst part is the children suffer the most.
Now let’s be clear, this is not bashing the PSM (Powerful Single Mother) who is often forced to be both parents due to the absentee father. However, in this era of heavy women empowerment many members of our community often forget our men and seemingly render them unnecessary, which teaches our sons to fall back and not be the men we want them to be.
As women, we cannot continuously shame the willing fathers of our children, and then punish them for becoming what they were forced to become, worthless. Despite any conflict between these men and the SSM, we have to take a closer look at the dedicated fathers that have become who they can be in their child’s life.
What Has Daddy Become?
The Redeemed Father: After a bitter end to a relationship, this father will leave to seemingly never return, thus birthing a PSM. However, upon clarity, he returns to reestablish a healthy relationship with his child/children and cooperative relationship with the mother. This is usually met with apprehension because the PSM believes he does not want to pay child support, which is highly likely. Nevertheless, the father will make multiple attempts to repair the relationship so that he can be in his child’s life.
The Fight or Flight Father: When the relationship between the parents is toxic, this father leaves and is baited back into the relationship for access to the child/children. The household is usually shared and the SSM uses the needs of the children to draw the father back into the home. Unfortunately, with any argument, the father leaves and the mother begins a tirade of whining and threatening legal action such as child support or sole custody. Fortunately, when the father is home he is 100% dedicated to his children’s needs, but when he is gone his devotion is sporadic due to the nature of the relationship with the SSM.
The Gatsby Father: This theory is based off the book The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald, in which the main character Jay Gatsby throws elaborate parties to hopefully catch the attention of the love of his life. A Gatsby father is painted as allusive and inattentive by the SSM so that the children do not miss him. However, the father creates big situations such as social gatherings, theme park trips, gift giving and more that are tangible ‘peacock’ methods to show their devotion and love. Although this father is aware that gifts and spoiling are not the only way to show affection, these situations allow them a chance to have brief intimate moments with their child/children.
The Solo Soldier: According to the U.S. Census Bureau only 31.4 % of fathers have custody of their children, especially if they cannot prove the mother is unfit to be a full-time parent. In this circumstance, the SSM creates dramatic and spiteful situations that keep the child/children away from the father. Yet, through relentless communication, court battles, and meet-ups, this father will fight to have his child/children in order to protect them from any backlash from the SSM. The best example of this type of father is the character Monty James, played by Idris Elba, in Daddy’s Little Girls.
Elle is a Gatsby Father who has five children and is settling his divorce. The mother has requested assistance, to which he adhered to willingly. However he is, unfortunately, met with public raging fits when the mother does not get what she wants. This forces Elle to schedule outings and activities to provide a reason to see his children and prove that he is a provider and loves them.
“It seems like when Dad isn’t doing what mom wants him to do for her, then the children in turn are shifted to think Dad isn’t doing right by them either,” Elle explains somberly.
“I’ve even been told by my daughter, who lives in an apartment that I pay 75% of the rent for, ‘You can’t tell me what to do because you don’t pay any bills around here!’ These various interactions have helped me to understand that my children suffer at the hands of their mother who cannot put aside her gripes to build a peaceful and amicable pact on behalf of our children who depend on our guidance. My prayer is that most of [our] conflicts can be discussed openly with them in a way that doesn’t criminalize either Mom or Dad.”
The Law of Paternity
One of the many gripes that fathers who are no longer with their child’s mother have is the misuse of child support, in addition to limited access to children. Adrienne Holland, founder and CEO of the non-profit family law firm Holland Family Services, gave some insight on how child support works and what fathers may be unaware of when it comes to their paternal rights.
“Child support is meant for the benefit of the child,” Adrienne explains. “But, part of that are intangibles such as car insurance, electricity, cell phones etc., that the mother needs to function fully as a parent and person. It is the duty of the father to pay child support whether or not the father sees his child. That’s not to say that I don’t see mothers that withhold time-sharing out of spite. Usually, when this happens it is less about revenge and more of an unrealistic fear that a father cannot care for the child.”
What Matters Most
Despite the legal and emotional battle that comes with custody, parents seem to forget that what matters most is the child. In today’s culture, a broken home does not always mean Mom and Dad aren’t together, it means Mom and Dad lack a healthy, co-parenting relationship and the child(ren) pays for it.
Ending the cycle of fatherless children or toxic childhoods starts with the decision to be different. Mekesha Young, PSM of 15-year-old daughter, left a toxic relationship for the safety of her child and had this to say about the unrelenting SSM:
“You cannot control the situation, but you can change your perspective and attitude,” Mekesha says passionately. “It’s all about perspective. Once you realize that your child(ren) are the seeds of the future and you (the [custodial] parent) are the example, it should empower you to plant seeds of life and not destruction.”
It should be a cultural standard to teach our children how to deal with disappointment and heartbreak, but not get stuck in a bitter mentality that fuels the dead-beat cycle.
THE CHARGE TO WOMEN
Among all that a woman carries, should they have to shoulder the angst of an absent father’s irresponsibility? The answer is NO! However, it is the charge of the woman to eliminate the dead-beat mentality from their child’s psyche so that they do not repeat the same mistakes.
That starts with women forgiving the men that broke their hearts, enough to show their child that life does go on and a broken home is only one that is unloving and uncooperative.
While there are men who arecareless as fathers, their error cannot be used as a blanket statement for all fathers who no longer desire a romantic relationship with the mother. Sometimes relationships don’t work out, but it never justifies removing the necessary love of a father from a child’s life.
By allowing a father to be in his child’s life, that does not take the ‘power’ away from the PSM; in fact, it shows the most important lesson a child could learn, respect.
Here are some ways (unmarried/uncoupled) fathers can protect their parental rights:
Establish paternity by signing an affidavit of paternity from their state’s office of vital statistics.
Make an agreement with the mother for time-sharing and monetary support and get it in writing before the child is born; if they don’t have a written support and time arrangement, they should keep a written log with receipts and dates that details the time and money spent.
Go to the collection entity or the court and put yourself on child support at any time.
Go to mediation or a parenting coordinator without a lawyer to help resolve disputes about parenting without involving the court.
Ask attorneys to use collaborative methods to settle the case even if the couple was never married.
Get an official DNA test (Note: Over-the-counter DNA tests are not admissible in court).
If the father is unhappy with the mother’s performance as a parent, they can file a Petition to Modify/Establish Time Sharing Plan and Other Related Relief, which results in him having most of the time with his children. This can only be done after legally establishing paternity.
The Fight or Flight Father: When the relationship between the parents is toxic, this father leaves and is baited back into the relationship for access to the child/children. The household is usually shared and the SSM uses the needs of the children to draw the father back into the home. Unfortunately, with any argument, the father leaves and the mother begins a tirade of whining and threatening legal action such as child support or sole custody. Fortunately, when the father is home he is 100% dedicated to his children’s needs, but when he is gone his devotion is sporadic due to the nature of the relationship with the SSM.
One of the many gripes that fathers who are no longer with their child’s mother have is the misuse of child support, in addition to limited access to children. Adrienne Holland, founder and CEO of the non-profit family law firm 
Among all that a woman carries, should they have to shoulder the angst of an absent father’s irresponsibility? The answer is NO! However, it is the charge of the woman to eliminate the dead-beat mentality from their child’s psyche so that they do not repeat the same mistakes.