Video Courtesy of Dr. Minnie Claiborne, Ph.D. LHD
A column by Dr. Minnie Claiborn, Ph.D., a licensed counselor, life coach and author.
There are seven basic areas wherein all human challenges lie. One of these is our relationship with self. We form many of our opinions of ourselves based on what others around us say to us and about us, or how we interpret what they say and do.
In some respects, we do come into the world with a “blank slate” and we write on it based on how we are treated. Some of us encounter rejection, abuse, abandonment, and many other hurtful experiences from our primary families or caregivers when we are young. From these experiences, which may be accompanied by ugly words, we often form unhealthy opinions of ourselves.
I had a young woman client once who in her mind and experience did not fit the societal standard of beauty. When she told me that she had been raped, she asked with incredulity, “Why would anyone rape me?” Her opinion of herself was so low, she felt so unattractive, that she was amazed that even a rapist would want her.
On the other hand, I observed a young lady whose body shape and physical features also did not meet the society standard of beauty, yet she exuded self-confidence. I discovered that she was a daddy’s girl, had a loving, doting mother and had married a man who also adored her.
Many young men who were not affirmed by their fathers suffer from a sense of insecurity, fear, rejection, lack of self-identity and a lack of belonging. Other people contributed to our being broken, but God can heal us (Luke 4:18). We can’t go back and change what was said or done to us or about us, but with new information and truth, we can change how if affects us.
Truth trumps facts. Divine truth (truth from God’s perspective) is greater than the facts of our experiences and thoughts. If you were not told that you are beautiful, or handsome or valuable by anyone else, know that God made you and He thinks you’re all of that (Psalm 139).
How do you change a wrong or bad opinion of yourself? Put God’s Word in your mouth and speak it to yourself out loud. A good place to start is by saying, “God loves me.” The entire Bible bears witness to that truth. I have witnessed the power of Scripture-based affirmations. An affirmation simply means that you affirm and agree with what is being said. Here is an affirmation that you can use every day that will help you to begin to have a winning relationship with yourself. You might know it in your head, but you need to SAY it over and over so that your subconscious will receive truth and your conscious thoughts and behaviors will begin to change. God told young Joshua to meditate on His word day and night and he (Joshua) would have prosperity and good success (Joshua 1:8). I suggest that you say this out loud at least five times per day until you know in your soul that it is true.
AFFIRMATION: God loves me. God accepts me. I love and accept myself. I invite God to change the things that do not please Him and things that are detrimental to me.
READ: Psalm 139, Joshua 1:8, John 3:16
Dear Dr. Minnie
My name is Mona. I am a 36-year-old married woman. My husband and I attend a large church so we don’t see the same people every Sunday. He does appliance repair and one of the members of our women’s group is a client of his. I feel offended by her. Whenever she sees my husband, she waves wildly, makes a beeline to speak to him and pointedly ignores me. If he and I are together, she might nod in my direction. When she sees me and I am not with him, she appears to deliberately avoid speaking to me. From past experiences, I have found that behavior usually indicates the person wants a relationship with the male and resents his mate. I sincerely don’t think that my husband is interested in her that way, but I think she might have a crush on him and sees me as “the other woman.” When I mentioned it to my husband, he just laughed. I want to let her know that her behavior offends me and ask her why she does this. I don’t intend to confront her in a harsh manner, but I do want to confront her. Should I talk to her, Dr. Minnie?
Married and Confused
This is an awkward and apparently troubling situation for you. It is understandable that you interpret the woman’s behavior as a sign that she looks at you as someone standing between her and your husband. However, there could be other reasons for her behavior. I like the approach that you proposed: asking her why she avoids you rather than making an accusation.
Let’s examine why you want to confront her and the outcome you want. If you want to point out that her behavior offends you, Scripture certainly makes provision for that. Matthew 18:15 (KJV) says: “Moreover, if thy brother [or sister] shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.”
So here’s the caveat: That verse says that if the offender hears you, you have gained a brother or sister. I assume that this is your desired outcome; however what are the consequences if she will not hear you or respond responsibly to you? The opposite side of that coin is if she does not hear, you may have made an enemy and you might become more frustrated. Remember, you can only control your behavior, not hers.
When it comes to such matters, it is also a good idea to examine our hearts in the presence of the Holy Spirit. David, the author of Psalm 139:23-24, implores the Lord to search his heart in order to be sure that there were no wicked motives within him, and if so, to remove them. Your concern sounds legitimate and needs to be resolved. The wisdom of God is needed in order for that to happen successfully. If you have a trusted, mature Christian confidant, perhaps you can, without disclosing the woman’s name, ask her to join you in prayer for the will of God to be done in the situation. Often women will too quickly shake such things off as their own insecurities. Your feelings are valid and you should not ignore them.. If you pray, God will perfect everything that concerns you.
Although this situation happens only occasionally, it produces anxiety in you. The Word of God cautions us to “be anxious for nothing,” but pray about everything. (Philippians 4:6-8, KJV)
See if you can resolve the matter in sincere prayer to God. Expect Him to guide and direct you in this matter. He knows how to resolve it and give you perfect peace. If you choose to confront her, you might have to follow the guidance in Matthew 18:16-17.
Yours in Christ,
Licensed Counselor and Life Coach Dr. Minnie Claiborn is back with her latest, monthly column. Feel free to submit any questions on a topic of your choice to [email protected], and your question may be answered in a future column!
Hello Dr. Minnie,
My name is Lynn. I am in my mid- thirties. I really want to get married and have children. My friend said that I should be content because Jesus is my husband. Dr. Minnie, am I missing something? Is Jesus really my husband?
Many well-meaning people have said that to other people. It sometimes causes confusion and some people feel guilty because they don’t want to be unfaithful to Jesus. Let me just start out by saying, “No, Jesus is not your husband.” If you are born again, Jesus is your Lord and Savior.
Scripture refers to the “Church”, the collective Body of Christ, as the “Bride of Christ.” However, this is not for an individual adaptation. God instituted marriage as an earthly covenant between man and woman. Ephesians 5:25-33 presents a distinction between that which is natural and that which is spiritual.
Our Lord Jesus Christ is our provider, protector, and healer. He loves us, comforts us, and will never leave nor forsake us. Certainly, these are traits that we desire in a mate, and only Jesus can meet those deep longings of our souls—but not in the romantic sense. He does this for both men and women who seek him for true love and comfort.
Urban Faith would like to introduce our newest columnist, Dr. Minnie Claiborn, Ph.D. The licensed counselor, life coach and author will publish a new, monthly column called “Ask Dr. Minnie.” Feel free to submit any questions on a topic of your choice [email protected], and your question may be answered in a future column!
Hi Dr. Minnie,
My name is Wendy, I am a 26-year-old single, Christian woman. I recently went on a couple of dates with a young man. I liked him and enjoyed the date very much. I later found out that he is engaged. When I confronted him about it, he said he is “engaged,” not married. He said that he might want to marry me instead of her. Although he is right technically, I don’t feel right about this. What do you think, Dr. Minnie?
You don’t feel right because it’s probably not right. (Please refer to Proverbs 12:22.) To be engaged means to be ‘betrothed,” or promised, to another. If he is not sure that he is ready to be married, he should be a man about it and tell his fiancée. If she knows that he is still dating while she is planning a wedding, she will feel devastated and betrayed. You say you like him, but would you like for him to treat you the way he is treating her? You have to value yourself enough to know that you deserve to be treated special. If this young man practices unfaithful while being engaged, he may not change just because he gets married.
Do you have questions for Dr. Minnie? Post them below or email her at [email protected].