By now you’ve probably heard about the Kentucky church that decided to ban interracial marriages and even membership privileges for interracial couples. In the wake of embarrassing news reports that quickly went viral, the church is now reconsidering its 9-to-6 vote to forbid interracial relationships. But the episode’s stark reminder that our nation — and the church — is still mired in the sin of bigotry and racism has not gone unnoticed.
When I see disturbing stories like this one, my heart aches — but not before I’m forced to examine it for my own hidden pockets of racism.
I cannot remember the last time I had an open discussion about race relations. Some might consider that a good thing—that maybe I have resolved my personal prejudices and do not feel the need to have conversations about issues that I have settled in my mind. And, after all, we have laws to guarantee civil rights and to protect against discrimination—why stir up controversy? But I am not so naïve as to believe that our laws have done away with racial tension in our country, and I also recognize my own need to repent for past ignorance’s. I know that my silence is not helpful or healthy.
Over the last few years I have begun to acknowledge that, as a white American man, I am sensitive about, and mostly avoidant of, the subject of race relations. It seems that my common reaction is to become defensive when someone brings up racism—as though by acknowledging the problem I am somehow degrading myself or my ethnicity. And considering my profession as a mental health counselor, and that I frequently encourage clients to be open about even the most painful subjects, I find my reactions more perplexing and I wonder about the underlying cause of my avoidance of race issues.
Recently I was watching a documentary on the Civil War and was gripped by the narrator’s descriptions of the hardships endured by families living in slavery. I was particularly stunned to learn that many slave couples would change their wedding vows to read, “Till death or distance do us part,” as there was always the possibility that the couple might be forcibly separated by their owner, with no regard for their marriage. As I watched that documentary, I was disturbed by how much I do not know about black history. But I was more disturbed by how little I consider the thoughts and feelings of my African American friends and acquaintances as they relate to that history.
I remember studying about slavery, segregation, and discrimination in school, but even back then my common thinking was, “That’s all in the past,” or “It’s great that we don’t have to worry about that anymore.” I memorized the facts for the tests, or outlined the events of black history in my term papers, but I rarely allowed myself to be touched by the tragedy of our past and the consequences in the present.
Earlier this year, I attended a meeting at work and as we were gathering in the large conference room an African American woman whom I had never met came and sat near me. She looked to be in her mid to late sixties, and as we made small talk I began to think about how her life experiences could have influenced her view of me. In her lifetime, she possibly attended segregated schools, was probably not allowed to eat at certain restaurants, and had surely endured derogatory, racist comments from men who might have looked much like me. She greeted me with warmth and kindness, but was that greeting difficult for her — did I remind her of someone who may have been unkind to her in the past?
At times I have been guilty of rolling my eyes when I would hear the subject of racism on news shows or other media — as if to say, “Here we go again; why can’t everyone just get over it.” But I cannot imagine counseling a client who has endured some sort of trauma and telling them to “get over it.” I am proud of the progress our country has made in the area of civil rights, and I am not suggesting that anyone dwell on the negative, but I do believe that ignoring wounds from the past can be as hurtful or damaging as the initial trauma.
So again the question dogs me: How and why have I managed to dodge the issues and discussions that should be so crucial to racial reconciliation and healing in our country and world? Part of my avoidance (and I do not believe I am alone in this) is born out of shame for the sins of the past, and a feeling of helplessness that comes from not being able to undo those offenses. There is also a fear of disagreement and of being misunderstood — discussing race issues seems to be taboo in some circles, along with other topics to be avoided such as religion and politics. And when racism is viewed on a global scale, it is only natural to have feelings of despair and to question whether an individual can make any real difference.
But I believe I have misunderstood what is needed and what may be most helpful in relating to my neighbors and friends of other races. No one has asked me to find a universal solution to racism in our world, but in my lifetime I have missed many opportunities to simply empathize with others — to try to understand what it is like to be discriminated against because of my color, or to have parents or grandparents who have endured the pains of Jim Crow and the civil rights struggle, and who may still bear scars from those battles.
I no longer want to be ruled by fear when there is an opportunity for me to listen to someone and relate to them as they share their life experience. Though I may not be able to offer easy answers, and may not be able to give immediate relief to their pain, I can offer my presence and attention. And in those moments where I and my neighbor take the risk of being vulnerable, we may both find healing — not in solutions to problems, but in our service to each other. And in doing this, perhaps we’ll be able to carry out what Paul wrote to the Galatians: “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”
UPDATE ON DEC. 4, 2011: The Kentucky church that voted to ban interracial couples held another vote today to reverse the ban and welcome people of all races.
Thank you; yours is an important voice. Too often African-Americans are minimized when we raise legitimate concerns.
Follow the life of this woman of color born in poverty in the Deep South in the Depression as faith and determination guide her to a successful life. “While I Run This Race”.
Enjoyed your thoughts. 🙂
John you don’t seize to AMAZE me!! I’m not only feeling very HONORED to know yoou since moving in 2007 to Florida from New York and having worked side by side with you at Winnie Palmer was one of the first BLESSINGS I received here in Orlando, Fl. Your not just an Excellent co-worker,comedian,pranster,with great dance moves, and a singing voice that had me druellling tot more,besides being one of the nicest men I’ve had the proveledged to know I APPLAUD YOUR SINCERITY and BRAVERY in putting your feelings on the topic of racism out in the public eye. Furthrrmote your humbleness is another of God’s blessings in your life. This article touched me deeply because my 86 year old grandmother encountered discrimination and racism as I have also sadly had to experience both in NEW YORK and here in FLORIDA. To read your words touched my soul and if more people dared to admit what you did this world would be a whole lot better, but as you said that when racism and discrimination are so evident in the church and even most sathose people are “believers of God” its sad to see they missed completely one of Christianity’s most basic tenets to “love thy neighbor” the Bible doesn’t set forth conditions Jesus loved us all even the lepers and the prostitutes, he wasn’t thinking about the Colorado of our skin whemne he cast out the demons, gave sight to the blind, healed the sick, and died selflessly for our sins that in so doing we’d be granted eternal life. The problem is that in power now in this society we ar
Sorry- encounteted problems – let me complete my thought the problem we are currently facing is that we have too many racist persons in positions of power that apparently feel threatened by people of Colorado such as myself and no matter how good the person’s. Work is, how caring their hearts may be, we continue to be judged by our Colorado, so I have gotten to the point where I leave it all in God’s hands and I know he sees the injustices made against his people, people called to do his work on earth to help those that are most in need regardless of their Colorado, sexual orientation, or illness. My question is what happened to HUMANITY? Why are we still persecuted? I have an answer and in my humble opinion the Devil dewells in high places beneath skins that protray one face but are HYPOCRITES!!!! You John are a WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING and if I may say this straight from the heart I LOVE YOU JUST BECAUSE YOUR REAL NOT PHONY, YOUR BRAVE NOT A COWARD, AND YOU PRAY just as I do for CHANGE, THE KIND OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST came to earth to PROMOTE–Keep up the EXCELLENT WORK YOU DO and remain a BEACON in this world that can be so dark! All my love, KUDOS TO YOU!!!!Jessica
More info on the memoir mentioned above, “While I Run This Race”, can be found at http://www.whileirun.com
An excellent perspective on the lifelong effects of Racism. Well worth a look.
A very good article. As someone said above, we need more white people who are willing to speak out on issues of racial justice. After awhile, the ethnic voices are tuned out by the mainstream society because we’re seen as “playing the race card or complaining too much.” But like Mr. Sholar said, if we don’t face up to our history, we’ll never be able to heal the wounds. Thank you.
Very insightful and honest
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you from an African American woman who was often made to feel invisible by white men. Today you see me.
I couldn’t have said it better myself. Thank you for making it plain Mr. Sholar.
Guess I’m not real concerned that a church banned interracial couples, later to reverse that decision. There’s always going to be people who don’t want you around. So, then you let the Holy Spirit comfort and guide you where you should go. Meanwhile Sholar sees this instance as an example of racism. Really? Let’s see. Marriages between black men and black women have been “banned” by American society since Africans were brought here in the 1600’s. The decimation of the black family began during slavery, which Sholar says he studied in school. He was later “stunned” to learn by watching a civil war documentary that black couples changed their vows. That’s not the extent of it. According to some slave narratives written by ex-slaves, black marriages were deemed illegal. Henry Bibb recounted his story in “Narrative of the Life and Adventures of Henry Bibb.” It was excerpted in a book simply called “Slavery,” published in 2001. Bibb said, “There is no legal marriage among the slaves of the South, I never saw nor heard of such a thing in my life, and I have been through seven of the slave states. A slave marrying according to law is a thing unknown in the history of American slavery.” He concluded slaves who weren’t married by State laws and who were members of the Baptist and Methodist denominations, especially, were “living in an open state of adultery.” Mary Prince wrote in “The History of Mary Prince” how her slave owners treated her upon learning of her marriage to a man who had bought his freedom. “Mrs. Wood was more vexed about my marriage than her husband. She could not forgive me for getting married, and stirred up Mr. Wood to flog me dreadfully with the horsewhip. I thought it very hard to be whipped at my time of life for getting a husband – I told her so. She said she would not have n—r men about the yards and premises, or allow a n—r man’s clothes to be washed in the same tub where hers were washed.” And yet black folks continued marrying each other. However, the attitude of devaluing and diminishing black marriages and families was firmly planted in the minds of black and whites. With freedom, blacks started divorcing like their white counterparts. And black integrationists started pounded into the heads of black folks the need to do what’s necessary to gain acceptance from white folks. So by the 1960’s blacks participated in the Sexual Revolution, black women gulped the kool aid of white feminism, and led by “black leadership” began accepting claims of homosexual activists. All this while not examining how such behavior would impact the black race or family. Black folks didn’t discriminate, didn’t line up their behavior with God’s Word in response to the cultural confusion – to our peril. Now while the divorce rate is high among the general population, it’s highest among black folks with seven out of ten black marriages dissolving. Then there’s the 42 percent of black women who will never marry. It’s naive not to correlate slave history with what’s happening now. Now finally some black folks are taking a serious look at the state of black relationships, and they’re asking question about how all this will impact the next generation. Because we know children model what they see. We must show them that marriage is important to stabilize black families and the black race. We must ask for guidance from the Lord in how to steer our lives with His word, so we won’t wallow in confusion over what is really racism or perish in ignorance over what’s really important and what actions we need to take.
I don’t think that racism still exist from an institutional stand point. I think that the greatest impact on the black community is the War on Drugs.