The first memory I have of watching pornography is when I was 11 years old. It’s amazing that I didn’t even have the vocabulary to describe what I was witnessing, yet the innocence of my brain and body were gone in an instant.
I didn’t know it then, but my body and mind were awakened to a world of sexual stimulants that I was never made to endure. According to an article by the New York Times, 93% of boys and 62% of girls are exposed to online pornography during their adolescence. This is an issue that goes beyond the church walls.
Porn addiction is more than mere videos or online seductions. Pornography is defined as the “printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity, intended to stimulate erotic rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings.”
It can be easy to say, “Well, since I don’t watch these videos or go to these websites, I don’t have a problem.” Wrong. How many times have I written off the absurdly graphic sexual encounters described in various books as pure literature or even worse, entertainment? They are stimulants that create a very real reaction.
My sexual education came from an awkward 5th grade class, an even more awkward 8th grade health class, pornography, and friends who were sexually active. The only times I can remember hearing about sex in church were once in a Sunday School class where the teacher said she could tell just by looking who has had sex, and a few relationship/marriage talks.
As the good Christian girl, I pledged to stay abstinent until marriage. However, my seemingly perfect chastity was made murky by the secret I kept.
When I was 19, I had an encounter with God that changed my life. Long story short, I decided enough was enough and I had to give my life to Jesus—my entire life. I knew I would be different from that moment on. I mean, Jesus had my heart so all of my bad habits left immediately, right? Wrong.
A few months after that, I found myself in a room by myself watching porn. Although something had changed… I realized there was a pattern for why and when I watched porn.
Shame. Fear. Control.
There’s an amazing ministry called Restoring the Foundations. They are trained to identify and help mend different hurts one collects as a byproduct of being a human.
One of the things they examine is the cycle of shame, fear, and control. The cycle goes something like this: A person feels shame for something they’ve done, they’re afraid of being discovered, so they try to control the situation themselves.
The clearest example of this is Adam and Eve in Genesis. They ate the fruit they were told not to eat, they were ashamed, they were fearful of being discovered, so they tried to control the situation by fashioning for themselves makeshift clothes to cover their nakedness.
Shame, as opposed to guilt, attaches itself to a person’s identity. It’s the difference between saying “I made a mistake” and saying “I am a mistake.” This is how I approached pornography.
There would be a trigger, mainly an emotional trigger, something that made me feel lonely or afraid. Then, I would engage with porn. Afterwards, I was ashamed.
I wasn’t the good girl everyone thought I was. I tried to control the situation myself. I tried so hard to be perfect on the outside to veil the mess that was inside. I could only control the situation until another emotional trigger set the cycle off over and over again. This pattern also illuminated that porn was just the symptom of a bigger problem.
Where do we go from here?
- Learn your triggers. After I recognized the triggers that sent me running to the counterfeit embrace pornography offers, I could preempt my reaction to run to porn. Instead, I ran to God.
- Ask for help. This will never get old. The thing about shame is, it breeds in darkness. It festers in your deepest thoughts. It feeds off of the lies you believe about yourself. Identify safe people you can ask for help. You weren’t made to live life alone. Above all, ask God for help. The same power that raised Christ from the dead lives in you. That’s a pretty stacked deck.
- Accept the fact that you are loved. I elevated the shame I felt over the truth of God. According to Him, nothing can separate me from His love that is in Christ Jesus (Romans 8). According to Him, I am chosen. According to Him, I am forgiven.
For more statistics and help with combating porn addiction, visit fightthenewdrug.org.
Thanks for sharing your story and the devastating impact of shame. In addition to fightthenewdrug.org, there are other excellent resources for overcoming a porn addiction. One of the best is the book Power Over Pornography. It helps one address the temptations effectively without shame. I highly recommend it.
How do wish your parents (or Sunday School teachers, for that matter) had addressed sexual topics with you when you were growing up? One difficulty I have odds how to address the issues before my kids get into them while at the same time not inciting them to temptations (exploring the things I’m warning them against, for example).
Thank you so much for your comment! I am not a parent, but have had similar thoughts for when I am a parent or even with my younger family members. I remember being in 5th grade when school taught about the male and female anatomy. A potential idea would be to go over the material your child receives from school with them and couple it with how God created their bodies and the functions of their bodies.
Listen to the songs they listen to. If it’s “non-worship” music, odds are there are sexual references. Test the waters with them. See if they understand the music they are listening to. Odds are they don’t (if you have younger children). There have been many times I’ve re-listened to songs that I grew up listening to and was shocked at what I was listening to from such a young age. What television shows or movies are they watching/enjoying? If entertainment is bringing it up, then surely we can too.
They might cringe, you might cringe. Go beyond saying, “Don’t have sex until you’re married.” We’ve used that line for years and it isn’t fulproof. Present the “why” behind the “what.” Why is sex reserved for marriage vs. just saying sex is reserved for marriage.
All of these things won’t mean our children won’t hear/watch/or experience things we wish they wouldn’t. However, let’s not be in the position to say, “I wish I would’ve have said something.”
I hope this was even a little helpful. Above all else, God is the God of wisdom. He created it. He gave us Holy Spirit to counsel us. Ask Him for the words, for the strategy to help you. Pray for your children. Prayer goes a long way!
I think it is important to begin with the positives, that our bodies were created by a good God, and that sex is good. I’m reading a commentary on the Song of Songs by Ian Duguid, and there is soooooooo much in this book of the Bible that dispels the idea that sex is shameful. What I didn’t realise is how much it has to say about beauty as well.
I’m continually amazed by the sufficiency of God’s word for every single aspect of our lives.
Porn we call it. Is a serious issue in our society. Christian parents need to take note of this bad habits that becomes a die hard habit in the lives of our children.