Video Courtesy of TEDx Talks
I seriously dated a brother in Christ last year who happened to be a divorcée. Before then, I never thought much about divorce–let alone remarriage. Frankly, I didn’t know what either of these meant from a faith-based perspective.
I honestly didn’t think it mattered.
Yet, as I began to pray, study God’s word and talk with Christian peers who have experienced divorce and remarriage, I came to realize that my courtship could not move toward matrimony.
Don’t get me wrong. Being divorced isn’t an automatic deal-breaker for me. But I do believe there are important spiritual and practical matters to consider when dating Christians who have been previously married.
KNOW WHAT GOD SAYS ABOUT DIVORCE
God tells us in no uncertain terms that He hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). God’s perfect will is that divorce never occurs because husband and wife are ONE flesh in His eyes (Matthew 19:3-6). It is His intention that marriage be for life and that no man separate what He has joined together. Ultimately, the law of marriage is a bond that should only be broken by death (1 Corinthians 7:39; Romans 7:2).
CONSIDER THE STATISTICS
Statistics show that remarriages have a higher fail rate. While 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce, the number rises to 67 percent for second marriages (and 73 percent for third marriages). These increases are due to remarriages entered into on the rebound, spousal comparisons, children, and individuals not being fully healed from their previous unions.
These stats don’t mean a remarriage can’t succeed. But you must know what you’re up against so that you can watch for the stumbling blocks; then proceed with wisdom, caution, and lots of prayer.
KNOW WHAT YOU’RE GETTING INTO
Marriage is a blessing, but as my friend Trish admits, “It’s hard.” This is especially the case with remarriages involving young children, she says. In fact, she finds the experience of her second marriage to be more challenging than her first. “No matter how bad a [first] marriage is–yes, even with adultery–when children are involved, it is best to forgive and reconcile [with your first spouse] than to remarry and try to blend a family in a new marriage,” Trish says when thinking of her own situation.
My friend Kathy, on the other hand, shares that her second marriage has been restorative. “My first marriage was a nightmare,” she recalls. Kathy’s first husband was unfaithful, abusive and manipulative. She was extremely reluctant to remarry after him.
When she met the man who would become her second husband, she thoroughly examined his character and was eventually won over by his faith in Christ and kind spirit.“He took to my children like they were his own, and my family loved him,” she says. “I fought remarriage until they wore me out.”
And after he proposed? “The ring stayed in the box for six months until God told me to stop acting silly.”
Yes, Christians should date with the intention to marry. Nevertheless, marriage isn’t possible if your intended belongs to another in God’s eyes. As we date those who have been previously married, ask questions to learn where they stand with Christ and in their previous marriages. Then, seek the Lord to determine if you would be permitted and willing to stand with them in holy matrimony—until death.
My husband and I haven’t lived together for 6yrs. He cheated on me and still does. Once seperated living i also went out with another man. My question is, still being legally married, after divorce, can I remarry lawfully in my Father’s eyes? Or am I doomed to be a prisoner to this abusive marriage or divorce never to be happily married to a Godly man for my 7yr old to have a Christian daddy?
Unfaithfulness is a Biblical grounds to initiate a divorce. It’s the only Biblical grounds. Some denominations disagree, and you may be in one of those. If you don’t believe you should be divorced, then you shouldn’t date. That’s very clearly adultery. You’ll want to seek out spiritual guidance and remain in prayer about whether or not to divorce, though. I’ve seen, in Christian divorce Care classes, husbands repent and reconcile, but 6 years is a long time. Did you abandon your husband? Or are you taking a literal approach to Paul’s admonition that separated couples should stay apart but not divorce. If you are, I don’t think that’s what Paul is saying in 1st Corinthians. But he said was couples should stay apart for a time and come back together at an agreed upon time. It doesn’t sound like you have agreed upon time. At this point, what’s the difference between being separated and being divorced? Do you feel that somehow you deserve this? If so, a good group or a pastor or accountability partner might help you sort through what, if anything, you might have done to push your husband away. Or maybe you just married for the wrong reasons in the first place like I
did?
Anyway, the shorter answer is you shouldn’t date if you’re still married. Especially if you already think getting divorced and remarried is adultery. Doesn’t make a lot of sense to me to stay married in order to avoid some legalistic definition of adultery and then commit actual adultery. Why are you still married to this guy?
I must respectively clarify this statement.
When Jesus answered, he said that ONLY the man has the right to leave his wife due to HER adultery. She may NOT leave him because of his.
From the exact words of Jesus: Matthew 5:28. “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” This would mean that EVERY single Christian woman, who has EVER seen her husband “stare” can divorce. That would be ridiculous. Jesus makes this statement, along with “anyone who has hate for their brother or sister commits murder”. He says these things to show us that the ONLY way we are redeemed is through Him & His salvation. We ALL fall short no matter what.
But to get back to the adultery/divorce topic: 7 “Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”
8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
It says NOTHING about a woman EVER being allowed to divorce her Christian husband for any reason. Note the keyword being Christian (Christ-like). Paul talks about it being ok for the NON-BELIEVER to leave a marriage and the other being better off. However, if this husband that the wife wants to divorce is a Christian and is producing proven fruit of His faith (sincerely praying for others, reading their Bible, attending worship and is clearly practicing Christianity then the wife should not divorce them. Even if they cheated or are an alcoholic or, God forbid (lost their temper and hit her). If they are TRULY trying to repent and God is clearly working through this man to renew himself in Christ, then the woman has no right to divorce.
This is VERY tricky. Some tests to truly know if a man has changed and God is working through Him is his “tears”. (this is a sign that the Holy Spirit is in Him & cleansing Him). His “reading material” should change. What he watches on tv should change. What he does with his time should change. And eventually the checkbook should be changing. Money that used to be put toward alcohol or porn or betting is now being put toward the collection at church or other areas where God is clearly at work. You should see Him eventually going to volunteer situations. When God is working through a person that you are close to, it should become as clear as when you can see the Devil working through a person.
Just as you can start to see the patterns of a person who has allowed sin to run their lives & control their biggest vices, you should also be able to see the patterns of a person in love with Christ.
Remember, ALL of these rules get thrown out the window if you are dealing with someone who has no desire to know (let alone) love Christ. There are only so many chances you can give a wolf in sheep’s clothing before they start destroying the flock from the inside out. At that point, you are NO longer dealing with a Christian and Christian laws NO longer apply.
Amen? Make sense, Biblicly.
I just read today that when divorced parents remarry, the likelihood that their kids will get divorced doubles compared to the divorced parents staying single. Our purpose on this planet is to raise Godly children. Just some thoughts for your consideration. Why are you “doomed” by being released from one marriage and set free to honor God without a new man as the head of you?
I was married for over 8 years before my husband divorced me for another woman. She was already living with him before the papers were even signed.
She was the fourth known woman my husband had cheated on me with. There was nothing I could do to save our marriage. He told me I couldn’t force him to stay and said he didn’t love me anymore. He blamed me for everything he did. No amount of forgiveness changed him. Every year, it got worse. I was just a trophy wife.
Anyway, less than a year after our divorce he remarried. I was a broken person long before that though.
I tried to date again but nothing was solid. I couldn’t find a man worthy of my love or loyalty. So, I remained celibate for 4 years.
In that time, my faith grew, and I learned more about the Word of God. I slowly healed.
And then, an old friend and coworker reconnected with me and a mutual interest sparked between us but I felt confused and discouraged because I didn’t know what God wanted for me.
I read the passages in the Bible about divorce and remarriage. I always assumed that I could never be with anyone again because I was neither a widower and I couldn’t reconcile with my husband even if I wanted to.
I thought I had to prepare myself for a lonely, celibate life and never love another man again.
It broke my heart but if that was my yoke to bear, I thought that maybe it would please God.
Me and him have stayed in contact but nothing has happened between us. He is not interested in anyone else. He has his heart set on me. He has never been married but I’m divorced.
Would it be considered adultery on my end if I wanted to marry him?
Dear Sonya,
The Bible says, “But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.” Your divorce was a product of his unfaithfulness not yours so you are absolved of being an adulteress or committing adultery if you re-marry. I pray you seek God’s wisdom as you pursue a relationship that may lead to marriage. May your potential husband love the Lord and serve Him.
Blessings,
The Bible says that anyone who divorces his WIFE except on the grounds of HER unfaithfulness causes her to commit adultery. There might be another verse that supports a woman remarrying when a man just leaves and is himself unfaithful, but that’s not the verse. I don’t know how to say this without just being direct: all the verses in the Bible that I’ve seen about remarriage are about how men shouldn’t marry divorced women. Unless I’m missing something, the gender roles are very specific around this topic.
According to paul, if an unbelieving spouse leaves (and any spouse who would get divorced is unbelieving), “you are no longer bound in this case.” But that doesn’t necessarily mean you should get remarried. You have an amazing opportunity to love and serve God. If this man is truly faithful and waiting, that might be a good sign. On the other hand, I believe the Bible is very clear that any man who marries a divorced woman is causing her to commit adultery, and I personally wouldn’t marry a divorced woman, mostly because in 80% of cases they would have initiated the divorce, and probably in the other 15 to 20% they would have made life hell at home and pushed their husbands away. Sorry, but that’s experience and statistics speaking. On the other hand, is this a guy who you see yourself obeying according to the biblical order? Or is this another guy you’re going to argue with and take your anger out on? If he’s someone you can really submit to and who can lead you to God, then maybe he’s the one. But if not, why not follow God directly? Not every woman needs a man to wash clean from her fallen nature. You might be someone who God can purify directly. Wow. It must be nice to have someone devoted to you though. That seems really rare. It’s also really sweet. But is it emotional or is it an expression of God’s agape Love from him to you. Praying for you right now.
God didn’t say he hates divorce in Malachi 2:16. It is the Hebrew word “send away”. They were sending their wives away without giving them a certificate so they would have to beg, borrow or prostitute themselves. God calls this treachery. The New testament uses Greek and the word their is “put away” not divorces. That’s why in Duet 24: they were required to give there wife a certificate of divorce. “apsostais” in the Greek.
Why was the woman in Deut 24 defiled though?!
It seems very unjust for the divorced woman to not be able to remarry if it was her husband who commit adultery or divorced her?