The Single Parent Trap

The Single Parent Trap

As a single mother of two boys, we have serious work to do in the Black community and there are some very deep wounds festering among us. I sense hurt, resignation, resentment, anger, confusion, and emotional fatigue.

Though we may disagree on root causes and solutions, I believe there’s one thing we should all be able to admit: single parenting and the attendant and antecedent dynamics are longstanding and complex, especially as they relate to relational issues between Black men and women. I certainly don’t pretend to have all the answers, but I do think I have at least some level of understanding of these issues, and a degree of empathy for both sides. So in that spirit I offer some words to us all.

It’s futile to attempt to dialogue on the issue of single mothers, their children, and the men who fathered those children, without speaking truth into the situation. So from that point I begin.

Some Hard Truths

1. Strictly speaking, mothers are not fathers. This is true whether the parents are married and raising a child together, or separated. The truth of this statement lies not only in function, but in form. To insist that somehow mothers can be fathers is to ignore some very basic realities.

Fatherhood, like motherhood, originates and is defined not just by what a parent does, but also by who the parent is. So then, gender is a foundational underpinning of parenthood. Men are fathers; women are mothers. Acknowledging this truth in no way minimizes or detracts from the unavoidable reality that there are some women who do things that we would traditionally associate with a male role in a child’s life, just as there are some men who perform some of the actions associated with a female role.

But there’s more to parenthood roles than what we do; indeed what we do, and how we do it, is bound to be influenced by who we are. For example, I can teach my son to shave or tie a tie. I can show him a razor, explain how to put the shaving cream on his face, what to do if he nicks himself, etc. I can cover all the technicalities of the process. His father can explain those same things to him, using exactly the same words I use. But it’s not just about the mechanical process; it’s equally about the nuances that come out while father and son are going through this ritual. His father can tell him about the first time he shaved, who helped him learn how to do it, how it feels to get razor bumps. As a man, his father can help our son identify as a man who now does things that other men do. These are things that as a woman, and by virtue of the fact that I am a woman, I simply cannot do. We desperately need to come to terms with this because as long as we resist this truth, we perpetuate a number of undesirable consequences. These are just a few of those consequences:

• We short-circuit the identity formation and development of our children. It’s important for kids to understand how men and women function differently in families and in society.

• We potentially rob fathers of the opportunity to fully grow and develop in their role. Sometimes all a man needs to step up is for the mother to step back … even just a bit will often be enough.

• As women, we overtax ourselves trying to fill roles we weren’t designed to operate in. If we are indeed the only parent in our child’s life, then of course there are actions we must do. But we can do them while acknowledging that as a woman, there will be something missing because we are not a man.

• Sometimes people and resources that could fill some gaps in our child’s life go untapped because we believe that we are indeed mother and father. Simply put, we don’t look for what we feel we haven’t lost.

2. Mothers and fathers both need to determine if they’re really putting the needs of their children first. I know this one is challenging. So much hurt and pain often passes between parents that our emotional baggage piles up on our sons and daughters, and we often don’t realize what’s happening. When fathers are absent or uninvolved, it causes an incredible strain on everyone involved, including grandparents, siblings, and other extended family members.

But the strain is equally damaging when mothers are hostile, resistant, or overstressed. Let’s commit to being better parents. We must ask ourselves some tough questions, for example:

• Am I willing to let the other parent perform his/her role in the way he/she wants to and is able to? Or do I insist that my child’s father/mother parent like I do?

• Do I pray for my child’s mother/father, that they will be the parent my child needs? Or have I made it difficult to pray because I have unresolved issues that I can’t let go of?

• Do I consistently support the other parent’s efforts, no matter how small I think they are? Or do I instead focus on what I believe the other parent leaves undone?

• Do I make every reasonable effort to overcome obstacles that challenge me as I try to be a good parent? Or am I making excuses for why I’m not taking care of business?

• Do I accept constructive criticism and feedback from the other parent on how I could make our relationship and interactions as parents healthier, and then work diligently, and without resentment, to address those issues? Or am I more interested in being right and winning arguments?

• Do I have a martyr complex? Do I find reasons to refuse help so that my child will see me as the better, more committed parent, and therefore shower more love on me? Or am I actively seeking the other parent’s input and suggestions with a true intention to work with him/her?

Pray, Think, Talk

There are, of course, many more questions that will give us insight on the position of our hearts. But the ones shared here can at least get us started on a road that leads to more transparent, effective parenting. In a future column, I’ll outline some additional ideas to keep the conversation going.

So, what do you think?

Do me a favor. Read this article all the way through, and then put it aside for 24 hours. During that time, pray about what you’ve read and how you feel about it. Ask the Lord to give you insight on what applies to you and what He wants you to do about it. Then read the article again. Please share your thoughts by commenting at any point in this process.

I love our community and I’m praying for us all.

And He Gave Some to Be Mothers: Motherhood as Ministry

And He Gave Some to Be Mothers: Motherhood as Ministry

Motherhood as ministry is not limited to personal spiritual growth. The biblical definition of ministry, as communicated by the Apostle Paul, is rooted in the growth and health of the body of Christ: “And He Himself gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, and some pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ, till we all come to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a perfect man, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ” (Ephesians 4:11–13 NKVJ). In his letter to the Corinthian church, Paul’s conversation is expanded to highlight the importance of each gift within the body of Christ as necessary to the proper functioning of the body. Within these definitions of ministry is the understanding that each person within the body of Christ has been uniquely gifted so that the church would be transformed into the image of Jesus Christ: wholly loving, deeply selfless, and totally reliant on God. Although the Apostle Paul does not explicitly name mothers in his litany of ministers, what would it mean for the church to take seriously the role of mothers in the growth of the church? Moreover, what would it mean for mothers to take seriously their roles as mothers—even the seemingly mundane aspects of motherhood—in the overall growth and health of the church? In particular, the ministry of mothers to mothers is of utmost importance.

Nobody Told Me the Road Would Be Easy

If we are honest, motherhood is not always an easy journey. It is downright hard some days. This truth rarely gets told, but one night this truth unfolded before our eyes on the nightly news. Miriam Carey was a 34-year-old African American woman who was fatally shot by police after a high-speed chase from the White House to the Capitol Building in Washington, DC. Her story was gripping, not because of the location where her life came to a tragic end, but because she was a young mother a long way from home driving recklessly with her one-year-old daughter in the car. In the days following the event, the new outlets reported that she was suffering from postpartum depression. The diagnosis was later changed to postpartum psychosis. Miriam Carey was a young mother suffering after one of the most joyous occasions in a woman’s life. And if the truth is told, Miriam Carey may have been suffering alone, but she was not the only one suffering.

According to the American Psychological Association, postpartum depression is “a serious mental health problem characterized by a prolonged period of emotional disturbance, occurring at a time of major life change and increased responsibilities in the care of a newborn infant.” Postpartum depression affects between 9 and 16% of women. It is more serious than the “baby blues” which affect most women after the birth of children. It can be prolonged, lasting up to two years postpartum. It can be emotionally painful. It can be physically paralyzing. Mothers suffering from postpartum depression can identify with the Psalmist, “Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me?” (from Psalm 42:5, NKJV). Surely there are new mothers in our churches dressed in their Sunday best while suffering deep within just like Miriam Carey.

Sadly, within the body of Christ, we do not always know how to handle mental illness, including postpartum depression. As Terrie M. Williams, author of Black Plain: It Just Looks Like We’re Not Hurting, writes, “Too many of us believe that our pain is a kind of punishment for our flaws, that maybe if we were better people or better Christians we would not be suffering.” This is where the ministry of motherhood is vitally important. When I think about Miriam Carey, I wonder where were the mothers in her life? Where was the community of mothers praying with her? Where was the community of mothers telling their truths about the realities of motherhood?

There are three key ways in which mothers can minister to one another during this time: prayer, plain talk, and presence.

Prayer

First, the ministry of motherhood requires that mothers pray for and with one another. Scripture teaches, “Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much” (James 5:17, NKJV). Depression of any kind is not a sin, however, God does not call us to live in a prison of grief. There is power in praying with another mother. If you are suffering in any aspect of motherhood, tell the truth about your situation to another mother that so that she can pray with you and for you. There is healing in prayer. God inclines His ear to the cries of His children. And while your suffering may not be miraculously relieved through prayer, you will feel God’s presence in the valley, and God will lead you in a direction to get adequate help (see Psalm 23:4).

Plain Talk

Second, the ministry of motherhood requires that mothers tell the truth to one another about the realities of motherhood. Many mothers suffer a tremendous amount of guilt and feeling of inadequacy, especially in comparison with other mothers. If women tell the truth about the daily joys and grind of motherhood, perhaps many others would be set free. No one shared with me how difficult breastfeeding would be in the first few weeks of my daughter’s life. I felt alone and inferior because I was having trouble feeding my child. I now share my experiences with other mothers so they know they are not alone, that they are more than adequate, and that there is hope.

Presence

Lastly, the ministry of motherhood requires mothers to be present with and for one another. This can be especially difficult in an age of texting, tweeting, and status updates. Motherhood can be an isolating experience, and our society has abandoned the ethic of care that says, “It takes a village to raise a child.” As mothers we should connect ourselves with other mothers face to face. This can be through play dates which minister to mothers as well as to children. It could be a mother’s only date. Many mothers, especially stay-at-home moms, are thirsting for adult conversation. If there is a mother who is struggling, offer to help her out: grocery shopping, washing dishes, or cooking a meal are easy ways to help her overloaded schedule. When mothers are present for one another families are strengthened, which helps strengthen our churches and communities. This is the heart of ministry.

This subject is deeply personal to me. I am an ordained minister. Prior to the birth of our daughter 18 months ago, my husband and I made the decision that I would stay home from my position as an assistant pastor for a time to nurture and care for her. There were moments of insecurity and challenges, balanced with moments of intense joy. The biggest challenge was coming to the understanding that what I was doing was holy work. It was easy to qualify preaching, teaching Bible study, and counseling grieving families as ministry, but I had a difficult time seeing motherhood as ministry. This vocational tension, coupled with shifting hormones, led to a period of postpartum depression.

But God sent some mothers into my life who prayed for me, encouraged me, and told me the truth about motherhood. Their witness, alongside the support of my husband, the help of a therapist, exercise, and rest ushered me into wellness. Now, not only do I value the ministry of mothers, I engage in the ministry of motherhood, praying with, supporting, and encouraging mothers who need strength for the journey. If you are a mother struggling through the terrain of motherhood, get with some mothers who can encourage you out of their experience. And when possible, encourage another mother in her journey. Motherhood is not a perfect experience, but through it, especially when mothers minister to one another, we are being conformed into the image of a perfect Christ.

Motherhood Resources: 

http://www.mochamoms.org

http://www.mops.org

http://mybrownbaby.com

To Swim, or Not to Swim?

To Swim, or Not to Swim?

In late May, just before the start of summer break, an energetic group of friends were playing in a park near their grade school in a suburb southwest of Chicago. One by one, the kids climbed along the edge of a footbridge and jumped into the pond below. There was laughter and splashing until one of the children, an 11-year-old African American girl, struggled after a jump. Before her friends could help her, she sank below the surface and drowned. Forty-five minutes later, divers pulled the girl’s body from the pond. The fifth-grade honors student didn’t know how to swim.

Sadly, tragedies like the one above become almost commonplace during the summer months, as more young people seek relief from warm temperatures at swimming pools or beaches. According to the Centers for Disease Control’s (CDC) May 18 “Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report,” the drowning death rate for African Americans is nine percent higher than that of the overall population and 116 percent higher than the overall population among those aged 5–14 years. Why is this?

Water safety experts agree that several factors can contribute to drownings in any demographic, including lack of supervision, failure to wear life jackets, absence of pool barriers, etc. However, the main reason that continues to emerge with regard to African Americans is the lack of swimming ability. And, since the American Academy of Pediatrics’ 2010 Technical Report on the Prevention of Drowning revealed the majority of drowning incidents resulting in the death of an African American child were more likely to happen in a public pool, often at a motel or hotel, parents should be particularly mindful of possible risks associated with water-related activities during upcoming summer trips. While it’s important to discuss what can be done to change these disturbing statistics, let’s first examine why many African Americans haven’t learned how to swim.

Why Don’t More African Americans Know How to Swim?

Agnes Davis, owner of Swim Swim Swim I Say, a swim company located in New York’s Harlem/Upper Manhattan area, believes some African Americans haven’t learned how to swim because “there’s a generational influence.” In other words, if a person’s parents or grandparents never learned how to swim, they are less likely to learn, asserted Davis, who gives lessons to children and adults. Lee Pitts, the Senior Aquatics Director for the Boys and Girls Club of Broward County in Florida, agrees. He said, “There is no generational consistency in terms of people handing down (swimming) skills from generation to generation.” For instance, while African-American parents often pass down their love of football, basketball and track and field, this doesn’t tend to happen with swimming. Harriett Navarre of the USA Swimming Foundation’s “Make A Splash” program confirmed these assertions. “Make A Splash” is an initiative that aims at providing water safety education and swim lessons to families at an affordable price. Navarre revealed, “According to the research studies the USA Swimming Foundation conducted via the University of Memphis in 2008 and 2010, the primary deterrent to learning to swim is family history. If a parent does not know how to swim, there is only a 13 percent chance that a child in that household will learn how to swim.”

Kathy Jordan of the Nile Swim Club—an African American-owned swim club in Yeadon, Pennsylvania, that’s been in existence for more than 50 years—believes “a fear of water” is another factor. Davis concurred and said, “There may have been a past drowning” that dissuaded a person from having the desire or confidence to learn how to swim. In many cases, however, no specific incident led to a person and, consequently, their family having a fear of being near or in a large body of water. The fear simply may have been passed down from generation to generation because of an upsetting story that continues to live on.

Another reason swimming isn’t as commonplace in the African American community is that many men and women have typically perceived it as one form of recreation they could either take or leave. Davis said, “There has to be a change of mindset. We don’t think it’s important. We look at swimming as a luxury; it’s not. It’s a life-saving tool.” Jordan continued, “(The importance of learning how to swim) needs to be more in the forefront of people’s minds. They don’t tend to think of it until it gets warm. It should be thought about in the fall and winter months, too. It needs to be on everyone’s mind year-round.”

SURVIVAL THRILLS: Experts say parents should make swimming lessons for their children as important as activities like ballet, piano, and Little League.

The historical lack of access to beaches and pools has long been cited as a reason why many African American children and adults don’t know how to swim. “If you don’t have access to them,” said Pitts, “you’re gonna fall behind.” While segregation doesn’t tend to keep the average African American person from swimming today as was the case in the past, access to pools can still be difficult for some. Pitts said when officials in urban areas—which don’t have “country clubs or upscale recreational centers”—are allocating resources and the resources are scarce, “swimming pools are low on their lists” because they’re expensive to maintain. This is why municipal park facilities with pools and independent, neighborhood swim schools are so valuable to their communities.

An additional factor that should not be overlooked was mentioned by both Pitts and Davis—hair upkeep. The thought of getting water and chlorine on hair that’s been recently relaxed or otherwise straightened is reason enough for many African American females to avoid pools and beaches.

But maintaining a hairstyle should not be an excuse for avoiding something as important as water safety, said Davis. She is also saddened by the fact that people will purchase “the best new sneakers, cellphone, or jacket, but aren’t willing to spend money on swim lessons.

Pitts expressed a similar frustration. While activities like ballet, piano and Little League are fun, he said, “we need to allocate a set amount of money” for swim lessons. “We should make sure we put just as much emphasis on swimming as we do on reading, writing, arithmetic, and science. … It’s not a luxury. It’s not a sport. It is a necessity.”

Make Learning How To Swim A Priority

Swimming must become a priority within the African American community in order for it to become more commonplace. Navarre said, “We now know that by teaching kids to swim, we are, in effect, increasing the chances that their kids will learn, and their (grandchildren, too).” And, Pitts suggests, “Get ‘em early.” He says it will be harder to get them into swim lessons once they “get up to around 13-14 years old” because, at that time, they might have other sports competing for their attention or be experiencing physical changes that make them more embarrassed about wearing a swimsuit. “Capture (your kids) before all of the other stuff kicks in,” he advised.

Kim Burgess is another big advocate of teaching kids how to swim. The executive director of the National Drowning Prevention Alliance (NDPA), Burgess believes preventing kids from drowning is her “ministry” and “calling from God.” She said, “It is not likely a child will die playing basketball or football or soccer, but if they don’t know how to swim they will surely die if (they have a problem in water and) no one is around to save them.”

Navarre revealed, “Many of the American Red Cross’ Learn-to-Swim providers have partnered with ‘Make a Splash’ to offer Parent and Child Aquatics lessons. This is a way for children to acclimate to the water with their parent. Children can start in these classes as early as six months.” This is around the same age Kay Smiley, Aquatics Program Specialist at the YMCA of USA, said parents can begin enrolling their children in “Y” swim classes. Visit YMCA.net to find a location near you. Jordan revealed, “We get them around two years old and, by three years old, they’re jumping into the 11-foot end.”

Which Type Of Instruction Is Best?

Experts differ in their opinions about whether individualized- or group lessons are better. Jordan said, “If (one) parent is proficient, that’s fine. The one-on-one works really well.” This would also work if a relative is a competent swimmer, as was the case for Davis, who was “first taught by a family member” and doesn’t “have any recollection of not swimming.” One resource for parents desiring to teach their children how to swim is Pitts’ DVD, “Waters: Beginner’s Swim Lessons for Adults and Children with Lee Pitts,” which can be obtained at LeePitts.com.

Smiley said, “For children aged six to 36 months, the parent or guardian is the first and best choice for teaching a child how to swim.” This is why the YMCA offers Parent/Child Aquatic classes; they offer the best of both worlds—parental involvement plus the guidance of a certified teacher. Smiley said, “The program helps strengthen and support families and offers an opportunity for the parent to spend uninterrupted time and bond with the child.” However, by age three, she said children “usually begin to socialize and are old enough to attend classes without a parent or caregiver.” At this age, according to Smiley, they should be able to follow simple instructions, communicate with adults and other children, cooperate with the instructor and understand what’s expected of them. In most cases, however, parents will probably seek out a certified swim instructor. Navarre advised, “Children must absolutely learn from a certified lessons provider. If you are not a certified provider, enroll your child in lessons.”

When attempting to select a swim class for one’s child, Smiley suggests parents first get recommendations from someone they trust then observe a class. She advised, “Stay through an entire class and watch how the adults interact with the children. Notice how behavior is managed and keep track of how much class time is spent sitting on the edge or waiting for a turn. See if the class is well organized and make sure there is at least one lifeguard on duty and a swim instructor actively watching the class. If you don’t have time to observe a class, ask a supervisor to describe the focus and class activities. Find out how children are placed in the proper class and what will be expected of your child,” said Smiley. Be sure to also “check the instructor’s credentials.” Inquire about staff training and certifications, as well. YMCA of the USA recommends instructors have current “Y” Swim Lesson Instructor, CPR Pro, First Aid, and Emergency Oxygen certifications. Experts also warn parents to make sure the ratio of students to teacher is appropriate. Navarre explained, “If the child is in a group lesson setting, we recommend that there be no more than six children for each instructor.”

When contemplating whether you’ll be able to afford lessons, remember that “Make a Splash” partners with more than 500 Learn-to-Swim providers across the nation who commit to providing a percentage of their lessons for free or at a discounted rate and/or providing their communities with free water safety education. Your YMCA, local swim schools, and neighborhood recreational centers also may offer scholarships.

Establish Rules Before You Need Them

In addition to learning how to swim, experts agree parents and children must also have water safety rules in place. That means, they need to know how to keep themselves safe whenever they are in or near a pool or a natural body of water, such as an ocean, lake, river, pond or stream. A common tip for parents is that they must be present when children are in water. Navarre said, “Children need to know that they cannot get into a pool or body of water without asking permission.” Once they have that permission, they must be supervised. Smiley said, “Parents’ constant active supervision is key to a safe outing around the pool and/or water.” This includes keeping children “within arms reach at all times” and never leaving them alone for any reason. Parents also shouldn’t assume another adult is watching their child. This can be accomplished by always having a designated “Water Watcher” who isn’t texting, reading or drinking alcohol. Share these tips with babysitters, nannies, grandparents, and anyone else who watches your children.

Dr. Julie Gilchrist of Centers For Disease Control (CDC) warned that “inappropriate supervision” can lead to drowning before you realize what happened. She said, “Parents don’t realize drowning can happen very quickly and very quietly.” She revealed, “A child could’ve already experienced irreversible brain damage” in the time it takes for an emergency response team, such as 911 paramedics, to arrive. The CDC’s report on unintentional drownings revealed nonfatal drowning injuries may result in long-term disabilities such as memory problems, learning disabilities, and loss of basic functioning.

Navarre said children and adults also need to get into the habit of making sure a lifeguard is on duty. Smiley added, “When arriving at the beach, the water park or pool, find a location near a lifeguard.” Jordan agreed and said, “Obey the lifeguard. They have the ability to see what’s going on (in the water).” Since municipal beaches and community pools are officially open for the summer, spotting a lifeguard at those places should be easy. However, finding one in the hotel or motel during your family vacation may be difficult. Kathleen Reilly, the Pool & Spa Campaign Leader at the Consumer Products Safety Commission, said lot of hotels and motels have pools, but “you swim at your own risk.” She said, “They won’t often have the budgets to have lifeguards present. So, parents have to be vigilant.”

Another rule parents should have is that everyone in the family must learn basic cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR) techniques. The CDC’s report indicates that, the more quickly CPR is started—as in the case of a bystander attempting to help a drowning victim—the better their chance of survival. The American Red Cross offers CPR classes in different locations around the country. Visit the Red Cross to find a class near you.

SPLASH CONTROL: Parents shouldn’t assume another adult is watching their child, say safety experts. Always have a designated “Water Watcher” who isn’t texting, reading or drinking alcohol.

While these tips are great for moms and dads with children of all ages, they will likely end up providing the most amount of reassurance to parents of grammar school- or middle school children who are old enough to have play dates or sleepovers with friends. Gilchrist said, “When kids are five to 14 years old, they “spend more time at their friends’ houses,” so it’s harder to monitor their activities. It’s even more difficult for parents of teens to monitor them, so additional rules may be required. For example, even though teens aren’t legally permitted to consume alcohol, drinking is often associated with drowning incidents involving them. According to the United States Lifesaving Association website, alcohol can impair swimming ability and judgment, which may cause them to take risks they wouldn’t otherwise take.

So, if your child hasn’t yet learned how to swim, make sure they learn how this summer. Learning how to swim could save his—or someone else’s life—and may have additional practical applications. Smiley said, “After learning all the strokes and safety skills, people can move on to learning how to play water polo, synchronized swimming, skin diving and snorkeling and competitive swimming.” Pitts stated that equipping a young person with the ability to swim could also lay a foundation for them to have a career that’s hinged upon a person’s ability to swim well, including marine biology or underwater photography. He also commented that learning how to swim would open up additional doors to someone who goes into one of the armed forces.

If your child’s school doesn’t have an aquatics program, consider contacting the principal to see if you could help create one. Navarre said, “There are many school districts that are partnering with swim lesson providers and blocking off a few hours a week to take students to swim lessons during the school day. If every school district could implement a program similar to this, then every child would receive the opportunity to learn the life skill of swimming.”

Perhaps your church would also allow you to create a swim club. Jordan said churches “block out time” at her swim school and divide their reservation into both recreational- and instructional time. Another option, according to Davis, is to rent pool time at a local college and hire a swim school to bring in instructors to give church members lessons. Churches could even invite their pastors to get involved in promoting the importance of learning how to swim, said Gilchrist. In the event church members can’t afford swim lessons, Navarre—who recommended churches consider providing transportation for members to get to and from swim lessons—said they could hold fundraisers to raise money for scholarships to make lessons more affordable.

And, if you’ve never learned how to swim, consider taking lessons. Navarre said, “If the parent does not know how to swim they should join their child in lessons. There is no way they will be able to help a child in danger if they, themselves, do not know how to swim.” Smiley added, “Parents, children and even grandparents” can take lessons. “It’s never too late,” she said.

Wade (Safely) in the Water

Check out these websites for more information on water safety and diversity in swimming.

• Diversity in Aquatics Drowning prevention/Diversity in swimming.

• International Water Safety Day  Water safety/Drowning prevention.

• Swim For Life  Drowning prevention.

•  USA Swimming Drowning prevention/Diversity/“Make A Splash” tour with Cullen Jones.

 

The Boomerang Generation

The Boomerang Generation

OCCUPYING MAMA’S HOUSE: “There is the fear that if a young adult is still living at home, he or she is not reaching his or her fullest potential,” says one expert. “The idea of leaving home after college may be an antiquated idea.”

There’s a fine line that parents must carefully tread as they rear their children and prepare them for adulthood. Even as they seek to empower their kids for independence, parents must constantly combat the tension of nature vs. nurture. They only have “ownership” of their kids for a relatively brief period, after all. But at what point do parents officially cut the umbilical cord, trust that they reared productive members of society, and release them out into the world?

Is 18 the age when one’s considered grown? If you’re old enough to drive, vote, and serve in the military, shouldn’t you also be gone from your mama and daddy’s house?

“Everyone’s different and we do our children an injustice when we send them out without preparation,” says Charlotte Stallings, a Houston-based financial expert and president/CEO of Getting Smart! LLC.

Charlotte Stallings

With the job market flooded with college graduates competing with those who possess more work experience, Stallings says the boomerang effect is common in all communities in lieu of the state of the economy. “People aren’t making enough to make ends meet, so short-term adjustments are taking place,” she adds. “I lived at home while I attended college and stayed at home after graduation for several years because it was cheaper. But my experience taught me how to hustle, to be resourceful, and to appreciate being in school as I took copious notes in class and studied on the bus commuting to and from school.”

Twenty years later, the Minneapolis native focuses on teaching others how to save money and create wealth. She encourages parents to introduce basic financial concepts to their kids at an early age. “Make the conversation about money a part of everyday life, weave it into dialogue and do so starting at an early age,” Stallings says. “Use positive and realistic tones about it and teach by being a positive example.”

Equipping Them While They’re Young

Marita Kinney

Marita Kinney, a Dayton, Ohio-based life coach and motivational speaker, says some parents feel once children reach 18, they have learned everything they need to know and are equipped to handle all the demands of life, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, especially if they are prepared.

“The problems arrive not because of the lack of parenting at 18 years old, but because of a lack of parenting and guidance while they were still children,” Kinney adds. “I believe parents in the black community can be at a disadvantage because some may lack the knowledge to properly prepare their children for the future.”

Stallings believes some parents don’t teach their children about finances because a lack of knowledge about them, in addition to a lack of communication between the parents as well as between the parents and their children.

Isaac Paul Austin III

“It can be an issue because today many children who have children now aren’t prepared to have them and are in a rush to complete something,” says Isaac Paul Austin III, a vocational trainer at the Haymarket Center in Chicago. “They’re not looking at a child as a joy but as an obligation. Some see parenting as a business transaction and the children are financial liabilities. People are divorcing results from effort, and the romanticized view of life we have pollutes every facet of our lives.”

On her own at the age 18, Kinney says she moved to the other side of the country and visited home twice a year, which differs from the experiences of some of her friends and some children today.

“My preparation started earlier in life because I worked in our family business and learned to save to get the things I really wanted,” she adds. “I had friends that had very little responsibility and had never worked, so in the long run, I was prepared for life. My mother always told me that she wouldn’t always be around, so she needed to know I could stand on my own two feet and take care of myself. My husband and I have six children and we’re preparing them to become upstanding, self-sufficient adults as well.”

Stallings says children leaving the house at age 18 isn’t necessarily a bad thing and depends on the family. She adds it’s perfectly fine for parents to help their young-adult children, but not at the expense of them learning self-sufficiency, which happens in some cases.

“I know a couple with two children who downsized their home after both of the children went off to college, put a ‘For Sale’ sign in their yard, and moved into a townhouse,” Stallings says. “I also know a parent who prepared her son to leave her house at 18. He had a car, she saved money for her child and prepared him for years. Her mother did the same for her and gave her $500, which was less than what she said she gave her son. In both family situations, the parents prepared their children for what was to come.”

18 or Bust?

Candice Norcott

Candice Norcott, Ph.D., a psychologist and center manager for the Isaac Ray Center, Inc. at the Cook County Juvenile Temporary Detention Center, says she grew up in a home where not attending college wasn’t an option.

“There is the fear that if a young-adult child is still living at home, he or she is not reaching his or her fullest potential,” she says. “The idea of leaving home after college may be an antiquated idea of a developmental milestone in a person’s life.”

As she works primarily with women, family issues, and trauma, Norcott says the question in this situation is less of being at home at age 18, but more about why would someone want to be living at home at that age or older.

Ultimately, both parent and child need to be realistic about their expectations and desires. For every family, the transition process will be different — some kids will leave the nest permanently when they take off for college, others may need extra time to find their bearings. But the most important thing is that each family have a plan for moving the process forward.

“With my peers, there was always a desire to pursue higher education, go out on our own, and to be adults as soon as possible.” Austin says. “We craved more responsibility. However, to expect someone to be fully developed at age 18 is a little unrealistic, and even can be destructive. We don’t want to coddle them, but there needs to be a balance.”