Turkey dinners, desserts for days, decorating the house, planning for parties, and power-shopping until the wee hours of the mornings — yes, it’s that time of the year. And just as Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve come at the same time each year, without fail every holiday season, the very people you’re supposed to be cherishing are the ones who seem to bring you the most stress.
Unfortunately, the picture-perfect family dinner we see on television is not something that always translates to our personal situations. With crazy relational dynamics that can test one’s patience and sanity, there’s a bit of dysfunction in every family — and it’s often heightened during the holidays.
While on the surface certain family members may appear to be the enemy, they are people to whom God has connected you for a reason, and they’re often the first opportunity we have to learn to “love your neighbor.” As the old saying goes, “You can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family.” With that in mind, here are five tips to help you navigate family drama during this most joyful season.
1. Learn how and when to say no. You can’t satisfy everyone in your family, and the quicker you realize that the better you and your family will be. Set boundaries for yourself and your personal relationships. With pressure to shop for gifts, attend holiday parties and family gatherings, as well as your usual everyday demands of work and family, it’s easy to get overwhelmed. You have to remember that you’re just one person, you can’t do everything. You may not be able to go to every party that you’re invited to and you may even have to make adjustments to plans for traveling to see different relatives. Set priorities and stick to them.
2. Accept your family’s differences. We all have that aunt or uncle who drinks a little too much and lets their mouths get them into trouble. Or there’s the cousin who always comes late with the main dish — so the family is waiting for hours to eat. Whatever your family scenario, remember that we all have our own idiosyncrasies that can be irritating — and honestly we all probably have a bit of crazy deep down inside. It doesn’t mean you condone or agree with certain behaviors, but you just don’t let it hang you up. Don’t sweat the small stuff that you can’t change.
3. Keep it simple. Whether it’s with gift-giving, hosting a family gathering, or cooking a dish for a family potluck — make it easy on yourself. While you may want to stick to traditions, it’s okay to make adjustments. Instead of cooking, maybe you can buy a prepared dish. You may want to do it all on your own as your mother did back in the day, but know that it’s okay to ask for help. Get other family members involved with planning and preparing holiday meals or gatherings. When it comes to gifts, stick to a budget. Be real about your financial situation; if you can’t afford to buy everyone — or anyone — a gift, it’s okay. Your presence really is enough.
4. Keep conversations light. Avoid hot-button issues during the holidays. Keep conversations light and focus on the good. Trying to flesh out unresolved conflicts at the dinner table is probably not a good idea — especially because of the spirit of the season. Try to find things that you have in common with your loved ones and bring those elements into your conversations. Often tension and angst arise from misunderstandings and miscommunication. Find common ground, which will help in the end to build stronger bonds that last beyond the Christmas dinner at Granny’s.
5. Take time out for yourself. Focusing on everyone else, it’s easy to forget about yourself. If it’s no more than 15 minutes or an hour, take some time for you. Do something you want to do. Seeing a movie, reading a book, journaling, exercising — whatever you need to do to tend to your mind, body, and soul do it. Even Jesus needed some time alone.
The Real Reason for the Season
When it’s all said and done, remember what the holidays are really all about. Taking time to be thankful for the blessings in your life, celebrating the birth of Christ and looking ahead to the New Year, it’s a time to reflect and put things in a proper perspective.
After all, Jesus had supper with Judas (who betrayed Him) and Peter (who would later deny Him). If He can forgive and show love, shouldn’t we follow His lead and extend grace to those special relatives who annually work our last nerve?
So how do you survive the stress that the holidays can put on family relationships? Share your thoughts and tips for coping below.
At times in your life, you may feel like you’re in a rut. You’ve got a great job, attained a degree or two, but something is holding you back from reaching your real God-given purpose. For some reason, you just don’t feel fulfilled. Maybe you’ve tried to read self-help books or be inspired by successful business leaders in the past but nothing has spoken to you spiritually. Dr. Ray Charles may have the roadmap you need to make a lasting, meaningful, and righteous change. In his book “Enough IS Enough: What’s in Your S.H.O.E.?,” Dr. Charles openly shares how he overcame his own personal and professional struggles and outlines a method that takes readers on a journey of looking inward and authentically about themselves and what pebbles are hindering their success.
UF: When you’re doing all the things that you were told to do — you go to school, you get your degree, and you work hard — what is the missing piece that keeps people from feeing fulfilled?
DC: I’m going to share with you something that I don’t believe I shared in my book. My best friend was a two-time Super Bowl champ — Chicago Bears and the New York Giants. After the N.F.L., he decided to enroll in the Harvard Executive M.B.A. program. He aced that program. Then, he took a company from $5 million in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, to 65 million in five years. He had the “Midas Touch,” everything he touched turned into gold. And then he hit a precipitous fall. The business took a turn. He committed suicide. He had C.T.E., which is the concussion the player had in the Will Smith movie (Concussion 2015). The gentleman reached for a gun and the movie ended and everyone knew that it was suicide. That was my best friend Dave Duerson. Why did I share that story? It’s because he had one of the highest IQs that I know of. Just through the roof. He knew his business acumen. When the pain came and when the storm came, what he tried to reach for didn’t necessarily sustain. College prepares you for the “what” but not the “who.” So companies have a business plan, a marketing plan, a strategic plan, a sales plan, and all of the other plans. But college doesn’t prepare you for a personal plan. So how do you navigate your way when you hit the bumps in the road? Most of us tend to look at things external to combat those bumps, when in fact it’s not external, it’s internal. And that’s what the “who” is.
UF: Is there a particularly emotional intelligence issue that people have difficulty getting over? Something that you see more often than others?
DC: I think what people have difficulty getting over is the depth. Because in order to get to the “who” it goes through the cross. You gotta go through Calvary to get to the “who”. People don’t want to give that up. In order to get to the “who,” you’ve got to get out of your comfort zone.
U.C.L.A. did a research study that shows leadership success comes down to two things — intellect and how do people feel when they experience you. It doesn’t necessarily have to be physically entering the room. It could be, how do people feel when your name shows up in someone’s email inbox? So according to this research, 93% of leadership success depends on how people feel. People have to experience the authentic you that was designed by God. It has to be a pursuit of, “What is my divine purpose?” When I come to terms with that, and when I walk into a room, it’s going to cause a certain sense of joy and peace, gladness and engagement. Most folks spend their time going after the 7%, which is the intellect. So we have leaders of nations and businesses, very smart people who are suffering.
UF: In your book, you talk about what has hindered your success both personally and professionally. How were you able to make a successful shift in your life?
DC: I was arrogant. I changed when I saw right before my eyes a mirror of who I was. But after that change was a transition. The event was the change. I went on an “in-venture” — an internal adventure. I went on that In-venture to discover, “Ok, how do I get out of this? How do I make this habitual? How do I make this a lifestyle?” I thought I was confident. My wife was like, oh, no brother you are arrogant — and then my fraternity brothers validated that. I was like, okay, I get it. I get it. How do I change? Show me the proof of change and the proof came in the Word. That was the event. Change is external, but transition is internal. The transition, that journey, is what S.H.O.E. is about. I’m taking folks through a journey, but change happens in an instant.
Eliud Kipchoge celebrates as he crosses the finish line Oct. 12, 2019, in Vienna to make history as the first human being to run a marathon in under two hours. (Bob Martin/The INEOS 1:59 Challenge via AP)
The two-hour marathon barrier has finally been broken. As Eliud Kipchoge arrived back home in Nairobi on Wednesday (Oct. 16), citizens of his country pointed at a “hand of God” in his record-breaking, sub-two-hour run on Saturday in Vienna.
Kipchoge, a Roman Catholic, ran the 42.2 kilometers (26.2 miles) in 1:59:40 in the race dubbed “No Human Is Limited.” He became the first runner in history to run the distance in under two hours. Later, the athlete compared the achievement to Neil Armstrong’s landing on the moon in 1969.
“I am … celebrating. I always celebrate in a calm and humane way,” said Kipchoge, after quietly reentering the country.
The race has united the people in villages, towns and cities in Kenya and stirred religious responses in the East African nation, where more than 80% of the population are Christians.
“I think he made it by trusting in God that all is possible,” the Rev. Nicholas Makau, a Roman Catholic priest in Nairobi, told Religion News Service. “He seemed (to) challenge a widely held view that humanity is limited, but he has shown that when people try, they can succeed.
“I think he is a religious person by upbringing who was doing it for his belief,” added Makau.
Kenya, in red, located in eastern Africa. Map courtesy of Creative Commons
The Rev. Wilybard Lagho, vicar general of the Mombasa Roman Catholic Archdiocese, followed the race from the coastal city of Mombasa.
“This means we can achieve more than we have always thought,” said Lagho. “Faith contributes to the success of human beings in mysterious ways we may not be able to quantify. But I think Kipchoge knows how to balance between spiritual and physical ability.”
The race has set a good example for humanity, said retired Anglican Bishop Julius Kalu of Mombasa, who keenly watched the race from the start.
“I was impressed by the pacesetters, who I think did a good job,” said Kalu, comparing their work to the call of Christians. “They supported Kipchoge to the end. This is what we should do as Christians — support each other in both good and bad times.”
Since the 1960 Rome Olympics, Kenyans have dominated long-distance running, from 800 meters to marathons, in the Olympics, World Cross Country Championships and the world road racing circuit.
The long distance running success has often stirred debates, with analysts citing physical attributes, the food and an ingrained culture of running. Recently, some religious analysts have also thrown in faith and ethics.
“The runners need their faith for endurance and perseverance, whether in training or in the actual race,” said Kalu.
In April this year, Kipchoge told Running Coach, a blog for runners, that religion played an important role in his life.
“It keeps me from doing things that could keep me (away) from my goals. On Sundays, I go to church with my family and I pray regularly, even in the morning before a race,” he said.
His latest race gripped the world as live coverage drew thousands of people to social and public places, including church centers in Kenya.
On Sunday, Kenyans went to church and thanked God for his achievement. They praised it as the work of a Christian role model.
Eliud Kipchoge is hugged by his wife, Grace Sugutt, after breaking the historic two-hour barrier for a marathon on Oct. 12, 2019, in Vienna. Kipchoge has become the first athlete to run a marathon in less than two hours, although it will not count as a world record. The Olympic champion and world record holder from Kenya clocked 1 hour, 59 minutes and 40 seconds Saturday at the INEOS 1:59 Challenge, an event set up for the attempt. (Jed Leicester/The INEOS 1:59 Challenge via AP)
Even before Kipchoge left Kenya, Christians converged in churches to pray for the success of the race.
The St. Paul’s University Catholic Chapel at the University of Nairobi held special prayers for Kipchoge. The choir wore black and yellow T-shirts with inscriptions INEOS 1.59, the name of the challenge.
His elderly mother also watched with keen interest.
“I prayed and fasted for him so that he achieves what God had planned,” Jane Rotich told the Kenyan newspaper The Standard soon after the race.
She said she had been waking up every morning at 3 a.m. to pray for her son.
Kipchoge, who even before this race held the world record in the marathon, is one of Kenya’s most consistent marathon runners. He has participated in 11 marathons and won 10 of them, including the 2016 Olympic marathon. He has come oh-so-close to finishing several marathons in under two hours. In 2017, in Italy, he came within 25 seconds of the two-hour mark. And in Berlin in 2018, he was just 1 minute and 29 seconds over.
However, the record-breaking run in Austria on Saturday will still not count as a record. The “race” was designed specifically for Kipchoge and for the goal of finishing in under two hours. There were no other competitors in the run, the date was chosen for optimal weather, and he was supported by a rotating team of pacesetters as well as a car that used lasers to show the best place to run. These advantages are not allowed during typical marathon running and will keep this achievement off any official records.
But, according to the runner, that was not his goal. He wanted, simply, to see if it could be done. In his tweet before the race, Kipchoge wrote: “I don’t know where the limits are, but I would like to go there.”
“I expect more people all over the world to run under 2 hours after today,” he said after the race.
Kipchoge hopes to run in the Olympics in Tokyo next year and improve his world record — and perhaps, finally, get an official sub-two-hour marathon on the books.
In 2010, two economists claimed that graduates of historically black colleges and universities, or HBCUs, suffer a “wage penalty” – that is, they earn relatively less than they would had they gone to a non-HBCU.
In an early draft of the paper, the economists – one from Harvard and the other from MIT – argued that while HBCUs may have served a useful purpose back in the 1970s, they were now, by some measures, serving to “retard black progress.” The reason why, they suggested, is that traditionally white institutions may have gotten better at educating black students and that there might be value in “cross-racial connections” when it came time to get a job.
As a scholar who has researched HBCUs, my colleagues and I have found contrary evidence: Students who went to HBCUs do not suffer a relative wage penalty. In fact, we found that they typically and on average earn more than similar students who went to non-HBCUs. Our findings are based on comparing HBCUs to other schools with a sizable black student population.
Our study included 1,364 nonprofit colleges and universities, both public and private, that award at least a baccalaureate degree.
Increased wages were strongest for the elite HBCUs: Hampton, Howard, Morehouse, Spelman and Xavier. But the effect persisted 10 years after graduation for graduates of all 59 HBCUs – more than half of the 100 or so HBCUs in the nation – that were included in the sample. Other HBCUs were not included because of lack of data.
And it wasn’t a small amount of money, either. In our study, we found that HBCU students from the elite universities earn 32% more six years after attendance than students with similar characteristics who attended other colleges and universities.
But before anyone celebrates our findings as a clear victory for HBCUs, a few caveats are in order.
First, all HBCU graduates don’t earn more than all non-HBCU graduates all the time. In fact, much like Freyer and Greenstone did a decade ago, we found that early in their careers – extending to six years after graduation – typical HBCU graduates do in fact suffer a wage penalty.
The HBCU study in 2010 found grads earned 20% less than peers from other colleges in the 1990s, although it’s not known how long after graduation this occurred.
We found that there’s an 11% wage penalty after six years but then it disappears after 10 years, and in fact turns into an advantage. So while typical HBCU graduates may be earning less money than non-HBCU graduates in their late 20s, by their early 30s, they are earning more.
We also found that the wage advantage for HBCUs remained no matter what the major. In my view as an economist, the relative gains for HBCU attendees after six years suggest, that on average, HBCU graduates are better able to find jobs that match their skill and capabilities.
Just what is it that makes HBCUs more effective as escalators for labor market earnings and income mobility? Earlier research my colleagues and I conducted at Howard University found that a high proportion of black students in a college or university serves as a boost to black identity and self-esteem. That boost, we found, translates into labor market skill acquisition that results in an earnings advantage.
Given the history of HBCUs receiving unequal resources, our results suggest that government and philanthropy could consider more funding for HBCUs. That could enable them to be even more successful at what they do, particularly when it comes to enabling students from households that earn the least money to move up economically.
With us being several weeks into 2019, you might have already gotten slightly discouraged or fallen off track when it comes to the goals you’ve set for the year, so we thought it may be a good idea to revisit those resolutions with an update. While setting goals, people tend to be very whimsical and sometimes unrealistic with their New Year’s Resolutions and how they want things to manifest in the upcoming year. So to assist with maintaining your goals, serving your purpose, and most importantly achieving the goals you’ve set, here are few tips:
SET SMALLER GOALS
Yes, I said it. You have to begin small. I know that you probably aren’t use to people telling you to think smaller when it comes to achieving something, but studies show that when you attempt to achieve smaller goals, you are more likely to be successful at reaching them. If one of your goals this year is to lose a substantial amount of weight, instead of aiming straight for the intended target, set a smaller one. If you want to lose 40 or more pounds, instead of focusing of the entire 40, concentrate solely on losing the first 10 to 15. And, don’t forget to congratulate yourself when you reach your halfway mark.
SET MORE PURPOSEFUL GOALS
Maybe this year you want to travel more, but what else? The point of a resolution is to make a positive change, but remember to ask yourself: “Will this change also be beneficial to my overall purpose?” While working towards your 2019 goals, think about the positive outcome in completing these goals and how it contributes to your purpose. And, as the months go by, remember to keep in mind how successfully completing such goals will positively affect those around you. Make sure that you are allowing the light that shines within you to beam and even reflect onto others. To be able to share your life’s purpose while achieving your goals? I’d call that a true win!
YOUR PURPOSE IS NOT THEIRS
Your year won’t look the same as the next person’s simply because your purpose is not the same. While nurturing and tending to your goals this year, make sure to focus on your own individuality. Your resolutions will never be identical to someone else’s and that’s ok! No one has the same purpose, therefore no one will have the same goals. Staying focused on one’s self is key to achieving your greatest potential. Think of it like coloring, if you stay within the lines, you will create your own beautiful picture.
The rise was most pronounced in minority groups, suggesting that better access to health insurance and mental health treatment through the Affordable Care Act might have played some role in the increase. The rate of diagnosis during that time period doubled in girls, although it was still much lower than in boys.
But the researchers say they found no evidence confirming frequent complaints that the condition is overdiagnosed or misdiagnosed.
The U.S. has significantly more instances of ADHD than other developed countries, which researchers said has led some to think Americans are overdiagnosing children. Dr. Wei Bao, the lead author of the study, said in an interview that a review of studies around the world doesn’t support that.
”I don’t think overdiagnosis is the main issue,” he said.
Nonetheless, those doubts persist. Dr. Stephen Hinshaw, who co-authored a 2014 book called “The ADHD Explosion: Myths, Medication, Money, and Today’s Push for Performance,” compared ADHD to depression. He said in an interview that neither condition has unequivocal biological markers, so it makes it hard to determine if a patient truly has the condition without lengthy psychological evaluations. Symptoms of ADHD can include inattention, fidgety behavior and impulsivity.
“It’s probably not a true epidemic of ADHD,” said Hinshaw, a professor of psychology at the University of California-Berkeley and a professor of psychiatry at UC-San Francisco. “It might be an epidemic of diagnosing it.”
In interpreting their results, however, the study’s authors tied the higher numbers to better understanding of the condition by doctors and the public, new standards for diagnosis and an increase in access to health insurance through the ACA.
Because of the ACA, “some low-income families have improved access to services and referrals,” said Bao, an assistant professor of epidemiology at the University of Iowa College of Public Health.
The study, published in JAMA Network, used data from the National Health Interview Survey, an annual federal survey of about 35,000 households. It found a steady increase in diagnoses among children from about 6 percent of children between 1997 and 1998 to more than 10 percent between 2015 and 2016.
Advances in medical technology also may have contributed to the increase, according to the research. Twenty years ago, preterm or low-weight babies had a harder time surviving. Those factors increase the risk of being diagnosed with ADHD.
The study also suggests that fewer stigmas about mental health care in minority communities may also lead to more people receiving an ADHD diagnosis.
In the late 1990s, 7.2 percent of non-Hispanic white children, 4.7 percent of non-Hispanic black children and 3.6 of Hispanic children were diagnosed with ADHD, according to the study.
By 2016, it was 12 percent of white kids, 12.8 percent of blacks and 6.1 percent of Hispanics.
Over the past several decades, Hinshaw said, there’s been an expanded view of who can develop ADHD. It’s no longer viewed as a disease that affects only white middle-class boys, as eating disorders are no longer seen as afflicting only white middle-class girls.
Still, he cautioned against over-diagnosing ADHD in communities where behavioral issues could be the result of social or environmental factors such as overcrowded classrooms.
The study found rates of ADHD among girls rose from 3 to more than 6 percent over the study period. It said that was partly a result of a change in how the condition is classified. For years, ADHD pertained to children who were hyperactive. But in recent years, the American Psychiatric Association added to its guide of mental health conditions that diagnosis should also include some children who are inattentive, Bao said. That raised the number of girls, he explained, because it seems they are more likely to be in that second subtype.
“If we compare these two, you can easily imagine people will easily recognize hyperactivity,” he said.
That rang true for Ruth Hay, a 25-year-old student and cook from New York who now lives in Jerusalem. She was diagnosed with what was then called ADD the summer between second and third grade.
Hay said her hyperactive tendencies aren’t as “loud” as some people’s. She’s less likely to bounce around a room than she is to bounce in her chair, she said.
Yet despite her early diagnosis, Hay said, no one ever told her about other symptoms. For example, she said, she suffers from executive dysfunction, which leaves her feeling unable to accomplish tasks, no matter how much she wanted to or tried.
“I grew up being called lazy in periods of time when I wasn’t,” Hay said. “If you look at a list of all the various ADHD symptoms, I have all of them to one degree or another, but the only ones ever discussed with me was you might be less focused and more fidgety.”
“I don’t know how my brain would be if I didn’t have it,” she added. “I don’t know if I’d still be me, but all it has been for me is a disability.”