In a controversial blog post, writer Deborrah Cooper argues that the Black church is a major reason why Black women fail to find good men. Sure, she’s angry and misinformed, but is Cooper on to something?
A couple weekends ago, I was winding down my Sunday night by doing a quick scan of all things African American on the Internet, and I stumbled upon an article written in response to a provocative blog post about “How Black Churches Keep African American Women Single and Lonely.” I read the response but didn’t read the blog to which it was responding. It all sounded a little sensationalistic to me, and too much like the normal spate of “angry Black women” fare that has been circulating in cyberspace for several years now. But as the week wore on, it became clear that a response might be in order.
Reading Deborrah Cooper’s blog post was kind of like reading a scathing and very unflattering letter written about a family member; you’re reflexively poised to defend, and defend hard. On the other hand, reacting to Cooper’s opinions about why Black women should stop spending so much time in church is not unlike recoiling from someone who’s shouting in your face — until you realize she’s shouting that your clothes are on fire.
Her basic premise is that because single Black women are not getting what we want from all the time and energy being invested in church — namely a man, or at least a promising relationship — we should stop investing so much in it and “broaden our horizons” to other places, people, and experiences that will increase our chances of meeting our needs. And she posits reasons why we cannot hope to experience fulfillment, empowerment, or success through the church, primarily because the male-dominated hierarchy keeps us pinned under its thumb with talk of submission and such. She supports her premise with all kinds of illogical fallacies, misrepresentations, and even humor.
Wading through the Cooper’s leaps in logic and outright falsehoods definitely turned me off to what she had to say — to a point. For example, she references results of a 2007 Pew Research Center study, “African Americans and Religion,” which reports that almost 90 percent of African Americans say they have an “absolutely certain” belief in God; 80 percent of us say that religion is “very important” to us; and 55 percent of us admit that we “interpret Scripture literally.” She combines those results with another finding from the same study that men are more likely than women to claim no religious affiliation, to arrive at six conclusions Black women should draw, including the following:
- Going to church is not making you more attractive and interesting to men
- Going to church is not going to teach you to be fiscally responsible, investment savvy, or empower you to achieve greatness as a woman
- Going to church is not going to broaden your horizons, make you more tolerant and accepting of all God’s children, nor is it going to encourage you to be free of the chains of patriarchy and oppression of your feminine energy
Umm … no. A + B does not equal C here.
On the other hand, Cooper’s profiles of the four types of single men in most Black churches had me ROFL, especially her characterization of the “elderly reformed players.” That’s funny stuff. And let’s be honest, ladies. Almost all of us have run across the “opportunistic player on the prowl” who’s after what he can get, including a little nighttime nookie if you’ll let him.
But that kind of thing aside, I asked myself if any of what she is saying has validity. And in spite of myself, I think maybe it does. I disagree with her conclusions and almost all of her reasons for coming to those conclusions, but when I simply considered individual points she makes, and listened to the emotional tone of the piece, I came away with a few conclusions of my own.
First, I think Ms. Cooper has probably had more than her share of hurtful and disappointing experiences in the church. On her accompanying podcast for the blog post, she describes how she’s heard pastors tell women congregants to walk away from men who are not in the church, to accommodate men who won’t work, and to keep praying for a man to come without giving any practical advice to hasten that man’s arrival.
She also spends a lot of time badmouthing what she considers to be ill-advised and unbiblical submission to men. In her mind, this is egregious behavior and it comes through that she takes this very personally.
I would bet that she’s not alone in having endured these types of experiences. I agree that they’re out there, and I think we’d be hard pressed to find a Black woman who’s been part of the Black church for any length of time who hasn’t heard pastors butcher the submission doctrine, or display some type of chauvinistic mindset. The difference might be that Christian women who are not just churchgoers can test what pastors are saying against the word of God, separate the meat from the bones, remember that pastors are people too and are not perfect, and if necessary remove themselves from churches that are consistently off the mark. I’m not in any way excusing leaders who are guilty of these things, but I think that Ms. Cooper’s reaction highlights one of the differences between Christian disciples and people who are religious churchgoers.
Second, and maybe more importantly, I think underneath all the criticism and disillusionment, Ms. Cooper is expressing a profound disappointment with the Black church. She is telling us that rather than men who twist the Holy Scriptures to their own advantage, she expects spiritual leaders who genuinely care for and protect their flock against the type of manipulation and deception she has witnessed. Maybe she’s saying that instead of church hierarchy limiting women’s potential and steering them into social and spiritual dead ends, she wants the church to recognize their inherent worth and encourage vitality, purpose, and achievement in their living. Her unmet expectations speak to a hope that the church will be a place of refuge, accurate spiritual instruction, and guidance for women, particularly single ones who might often feel the press of loneliness and frustration.
To me, that’s good news, because it says that while the church is too frequently missing the mark, there is still an understanding — even by those who are not part of the church — of what the church should be about. And while I don’t relegate the church’s role to simply functioning as a dating service for single women, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect the church to be a safe space for socializing and possibly finding a spouse, if that’s a woman’s desire.
So what do you think the church, particularly the Black church, should take away from Ms. Cooper’s scathing critique? As for me, I’m trying to get the smell of smoke out of my clothes.
Hey Chandra!
Glad you covered my article so thoroughly, that was nice to see. But it seems we BOTH (using your analysis) “jumped to conclusions” here. First of all I don’t go to church and have not since I was 6 years old. I have suffered no personal disappointments or negative interactions with anyone of this nature.
What you failed to mention here is that Deborrah Cooper writes under the pen name Ms. HeartBeat and has for almost 20 years. Interacting with Black women all over the world online and face to face for the past two decades has placed me in a unique position with regards to the information I’ve garnered on women and love.
Secondly, going to church does NOT make a woman more interesting. Men do not run into churches chasing those women down, now do they? If they are in church all the time they have few to no other hobbies or interests and don’t go anywhere to talk about that is exciting, now do they? In church women are chastised and told to control their sexuality and any signs of sexual interest because that leads to sinful behavior, right? So where is it that going to church makes a woman more interesting to A MAN? It doesn’t. Hope that explains my statements a bit better.
All in all I commend you as being one of the few reviewers of the article that ultimately understood what it was saying. I was also interviewed by Tom Joyner and Michael Eric Dyson (a Baptist minister) this week, so if your viewers are interested in hearing my auditory explanation of the article, they can find the podcasts on their sites.
Thanks girl! Great job!
Hi Deborah,
Thanks for the gracious response. And so prompt, too. 🙂
I also appreciate the clarification on the fact that you have not personally had any negative experiences with/in church; that’s helpful to know. So thanks for that, too.
Chandra
Bottom line is the institution of the church as we know it is outdated/outmoded. As a man I am not interested in a ‘church going woman’. I’m interested in a woman who is compatible with me and my core values. What I can’t understand is how people get so bent out of shape because Ms. Cooper had the audacity to buck against the status quo and critique the church. That institution needs critiquing and should have been done long ago. With all of the corruption that goes on in the churches, I’m surprised it hasn’t come under fire years ago.
The institution of the church is not beyond reproach and unless it gets with the program, people will be leaving. If one thing has come out of Ms. Cooper’s article, she’s gotten people to question what they’re doing in church, and more importantly the church leaders and what is the church giving back to it’s individual members, mostly women, besides some guy in a robe spouting ‘his’ interpretation of what he thinks the Bible says.
People can buy a bible and read that on their own. Heck anybody can be a minister look at Rev. Ron.
Hello all,
As a male seminary student, I really appreciate hearing a female perspective of the black church. I agree that Christians should spend more time outside of the church and interacting with their friends, family, and co-workers as Jesus did throughout his ministry. I also agree that many people, both inside and outside of the church are disappointed and disillusioned about the current state of the church. However, I feel the problem is really a problem of expectations. What exactly do we expect from the “black” church? And, more importantly, are these expectations biblical? The article complains that the majority of men attending church are young players, old players, gays, or “loosers.” But, these are the people that should be attending church. Many black Christians want the church to defend traditional marriage, but many also want the church to reform or in some cases reject the roles found in traditional marriage. Many black Christians say they come to church to worship God and serve our community, but we criticize the church for not providing eligible men to date. The article states the black church is making black women single, but the article offers little advice for improving the church. Personally, I find the list of contradicting expectations confusing and frustrating.
Jared, thanks for weighing in.
I agree with you wholeheartedly that we have an expectation problem, and I believe it’s rooted in the fact that we have formed our viewpoints and expectations not on the word of God, but on cutural tradition and custom. This whole issue has made me ask myself (again): what is the role of the church-in an individual’s life, and the community-according to the Bible? We also have to ask ourselves: how much of what we’re experiencing is due to our own refusal to live according to what God says? These are not easy questions, but we really need to ask (somebody).
Chandra
Ms. Chandra,
I really like your response to Jared’s comments. I believe the biggest problem the church has is we’ve forgotten who we are and what we’ve been charged by our Lord to do. We have tried to be all things to all people and end up satisfying no one. We need to focus on being the church and not just having church.
Folks do have many expectations of the church. I call it church shopping. If a church doesn’t have everything we’re looking for, we either move on or spend a lot of time complaining about the church. The church is not a place to meet a man, it’s a place to meet the Man!
Does this mean that God doesn’t bring people together in church? No. I met my wife in church and we’ve been married almost 22 great years. I will agree with Ms. Cooper on one thing. If your whole life revolves around having church all the time then you can become one-dimensional and less interesting. Overall I have to take Ms. Cooper’s critique with a grain of salt. She’s not a part of the church (the Body of Christ). I don’t say that to dismiss her opinions but the reality is that she is not going to understand the things of God from the outside looking in.
Edward, yes we’re on the same page. And your point about church hopping brings up something else. Ms. Cooper is certainly right to point out that there’s too much going on in too many churches that isn’t right. I’m not sure it takes a Biblical scholar to recognize that. To me, this presents those of us within the Body an opportunity to do what the Word tells us to do: pray for those in authority over us. Are we doing that? Or are we just getting mad and moving on? The Word says thst God sets one down and puts another down. If we would go to Him and beseech Him to protect us from wolves in shepherd’s clothing, I believe maybe some of the madness would abate.
Thanks for reading.
Chandra
By the way, I’m wondering why no ladies are joiining in the discussion…where are you, sisters??!!
Chandra
Jared wrote: “The article states the black church is making black women single, but the article offers little advice for improving the church. Personally, I find the list of contradicting expectations confusing and frustrating.”
Jared, the article is not written for you, which is why you probably find it confusing. You are not a woman. You do not get the messages from the Bible or from a pastor that a female gets! There is nothing really in this article for YOU to see, hear or do. This is about females.
Now the article did provide very specific guidelines for women. To sum them up, they are:
(1) Black men are not in church. If you want a brotha to love, get off your knees, walk out the church doors, and go where Black men of quality are. They are God fearing men but they refuse to go to church. Is that good enough for you?
(2)Stop giving all your money and time to your church and minister and instead tithe and invest in yourself for your future. I heard a story recently about a woman that sued her church and it was uncovered that she’d given the church more than $200,000 over the years. What could that have done for her and her children? and
(3) Though no woman should go to church strictly to find a man, it should be expected that your church provide you with options to connect with a like-minded member of the opposite sex. If no such opportunities have been provided, you need to change churches ASAP or not go at all and do your fellowshipping at home with other women. Support and encourage and educate each other as God intended. There is no mandate that one go to an institutional church, follow some man’s rules, and give your life over to a pastor.
Look for my upcoming article on the definition of “Equally Yoked” in about a week.
Hi Deborah,
I really appreciate your quick response to my post. It is rare that I have an opportunity to interact with the author of an article that has received such media attention. You are correct the article was not written for me, it was actually brought to my attention by my wife because of how the article negatively characterized “me,” a black man in the church. But instead of seeing your article as a characterization of all black men in the church, I tend to agree with Chandra (I hope I am not putting words into her month) and saw your article as a list of unmet expectations and my only point was “Where are we getting these expectations from?”
I have been taught (and I believe that these teachings are supported by the bible) that the church was an assembly of faithful Christians striving to “live” like Jesus, loving God and loving others (even the losers). Although there are many men (and women) in the church who don’t know, understand, or try to change this definition, I always thought that this description applies to large “organized” churches or in a small “house churches” like you described above(“do your fellowshipping at home with other women). Is the definition that I’ve been taught wrong?
However, in your response to my post you wrote “it should be expected that your church provide you with options to connect with a like-minded member of the opposite sex.” I’m still not sure where you got this from? Why is this “expected?” Did Jesus expect this when he went to temple? Most importantly why is this cause to leave and find another church? Once again, I believe that many Christians (both men and women) spend too much time in the church and not enough time in the community loving others like Jesus did, but does that mean leaving behind the male “losers” that are still attending church?
I’ve always believed that the churches primary role was to provide opportunities for Christians to worship God, serve others, and grow spiritually and if your church is not doing that for you then speak up or leave that church. Here are some related points I think we will be able to agree on.
(1)If your pastor (male or female) is preventing spiritual growth because they are twisting scripture, say something and go.
(2)If the church is taking your tithe money and can’t give an accurate and biblical account of how that money is serving the community, then expose the financial abuse and tithe elsewhere.
(3)If a man is “preying” on young women in the church, confront him (in a safe manor), if he continues notify a church leader, if the pastor does nothing he or she is not worthy of the title or your support. Do what you can to warn others and then leave.
But Jesus didn’t leave his spiritual community because the “majority” of them were “losers” and I don’t think that we should advise Christians to leave either.
Ms. Cooper’s response to Jared’s comments is exactly why I said we have to take her observations with a grain of salt. First of all, her response to him seems to have a lot of hostility. He was only expressing how he felt about her observations and it appears to me to have been in a cordial way. He did tell of his frustration and confusion about her remarks but there was nothing mean-spirited about it that I sensed. It seems that Ms. Cooper can dish out the criticism but can’t take it. On top that, if Jared is a single brother in the body then this subject IS of interest to him and IS for him. Even if he is not single, you seem to be making the point that men need not comment on or critique your article. I’m sorry, but I didn’t see anything on this site that said “For Women Only! Men need not comment on or read!”
Secondly, her comment about there being many “God-fearing men” but they don’t go to church reveals something else. If these God-fearing men have been washed in the blood of Christ then they are disbeying their Lord Who tells us not to forsake the coming together of all believers on a regular basis. I understand that there are some bad churches out there so you need to find the one where they truly love our Lord and truly love one another, but forsaking church altogether is rebellion.
Thirdly, tithing and giving is a commandment of God, not of men. To encourage others to stop this is to encourage disobedience. If there is reason to believe that money is being mismanaged or stolen then that should definitely be brought to the attention of those in authority. The scripture tells us that our dealings in the church have to be beyond reproach for the Gospel’s sake. If your suspicions are correct and the problem is not fixed then you need to take your tithes and offerings elsewhere, but they should not stop.
Fourthly, no woman should change churches if she is being fed spiritually God’s word and led properly by her pastor because there aren’t enough eligible men in the congregation. That woman needs to have a life outside of church where she can meet “God-fearing” single believing men. Folks can truly “wreck” themselves by leaving a place where they know God is blessing them!
Again, I appreciate Ms. Cooper’s observations because some of them are legitimate. But we need to be careful that we are following the counsel of our Lord and not giving in to counsel that doesn’t line up with what our Lord has said.
As we celebrate this Independence Day, I praise the Lord that I live in a country where we can freely debate such views even when I think the entire argument is off base. As a single Black Christian woman, I am only compelled to write because the voice of women was requested. Quite frankly, this is just as tiring as all the other articles that attempt to tell me as the woman what I need to do. The added insult here is that I am told that my faith is so blind I believe anything spewed from any male who claims to have a relationship with the Lord. In addition, it seems that all of my sisters-in-Christ, irrespective of denomination, behave with one feeble mind when it comes to the issue of dating.
Fortunately, I have prayed for wisdom and discernment long ago and continue to call on Jesus to help me navigate the Word and the world for myself. Which brings the issue that the original article seems to ignore – Jesus. I attend church because I love Jesus and in my daily walk I take church with me wherever I go. I do have unwavering faith, however, it is not blind. I have faith in the future and evidence from the past. I know that God is a co-conspirator in the blessings of my life and live the notion that “faith without works is dead.”
• When the doctors put paddles on my chest to shock my 22 year-old heart into sinus rhythm, I called on Jesus and my living a healthy and productive life is evidence of his answer.
• When I stood in the halls of my business school with the acceptance and without the funding, the Lord made a way.
• When my dream house arrived before the job, divine intervention worked it out.
• When my mother had her own irregular heartbeat 5 years after I did, my confidence was in the Lord.
• When my sister was air lifted to the hospital after a car accident, then months later told it was probably the 99% blockage that caused a heart attack and her accident, Jesus intervened.
After living my life, when someone tells me to abandon church, I have to say that person doesn’t know the Jesus I know. My next step is to abandon the article. However, I read ever word…more than once.
Admittedly, Ms Cooper stepped out of church at age six. Of course, I think that was unfortunate. If she had even half the church experience I had, her conclusions would be different. At age six, I was so excited about my church that my first grade teacher asked my mother about it because I talked about it so much. At my church:
• I took my first formal dance lessons.
• I made my first presentations on the history I didn’t learn in school in front of audiences in the hundreds.
• I saw movies on Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. before his birthday was a holiday.
• I debated biblical chapter and verse for months in Sunday School class as a teenager and continue to do so as an adult
• I led groups as a child and grew my responsibility, as I became an adult.
• I received a scholarship for undergraduate education, as has every other graduating high school senior over the last 25+ years.
• I traveled to Nice, France and Rome, Italy with others from my church.
• I stand up in our congregational meetings to express my opinion when I agree or disagree.
• I ensured the fiscal soundness of our church by serving as Elder.
I do not believe that my church or any church for that matter is perfect. I could follow in the steps of Martin Luther and write my own 95 Theses on what I think should be different. However, what is right is a strong foundation from which to build not sinking sand to abandon.
Ok, let’s get back to the fundamental issue. “Are Black Churches Hurting Single Women?” and is the appropriate solution to abandon the Church and follow Ms. Cooper’s advice.
It is possible that the Black Church hurting some single women. However, the evidence shared here does not support that claim. Outside of the few pieces of Pew data, the remainder of Ms. Cooper’s claims is anecdotal and personal opinion. Let me focus on the data.
Ms. Cooper details points to the Pew study findings that “Nearly one-in-five men say they have no formal religious affiliation, compared with roughly 13% of women.” These one-in-five men equal 20%. Suddenly 20% doesn’t look so much bigger than 13%. This then begs the question are these 20% of men with no formal religious affiliation exclusively partnered with the 13% of women who are equally unaffiliated?
The Pew data doesn’t indicate this to be the case. Below are 3 other Pew data points to consider.
• Among people who are married, nearly four-in-ten (37%) are married to a spouse with a different religious affiliation.
• Adults under age 30 are more than three times as likely as those age 70 and older to be unaffiliated with any particular religion (25% vs. 8%).
• Of all the major racial and ethnic groups in the United States, black Americans are the most likely to report a formal religious affiliation. Even among those blacks who are unaffiliated, three-in-four belong to the “religious unaffiliated” category (that is, they say that religion is either somewhat or very important in their lives), compared with slightly more than one-third of the unaffiliated population overall.
What does this mean? For those of you who hate statistics, let me break it down.
• If you gathered a group of married unaffiliated men 40% of them would be married to women with connected to church. (Clearly, church going women have been partnering with these men already and are going to church without them as are women who husbands go to other churches.)
• As women and men age those without any religious affiliation have a tendancy to develop one. (The 30+ crowd has a greater like-minded pool than the younger set.)
• Even the unaffiliated Black man is likely to believe that religion is important. (This man has not given up on God. Perhaps, he hasn’t even given up on church. The number of people who go to church weekly and claim no affiliation in the Black community is growing. Really, this is another discussion on denominationalism and disconnected churches.)
Surely, there are some women spending too much time in church as well as some who find themselves bound to their church’s submission doctrine. Despite this possibility, the data doesn’t say these are the factors in their singleness. Forget the data for a minute. Should they simply dump church in pursuit of a man? If they picked up church as one might join another club, I say sure. Get rid it the church club isn’t serving you well.
However, if a woman is working on building her relationship with the Lord in all aspects of her life, she will have to work within the church. Maybe, she can be the catalyst for change in her church or perhaps, she needs to find another home. In either case, there is going to be some work involved just as there is with anything else.
I’m also sure that attitudes on singleness does note reside only inside the church. The larger society has this disease as well. Leaving the church is not going to free women from others judging her singleness.
Is the answer to ending singleness in the Black community as simple as sending more Black women to sports bars and sporting events to hang with men who are “shit talking and cussing”? Really, this can’t be the answer and not because I’m too pious to attend. I happen to work in sports and have been to my share of parties without any sense of guilt. Of the 14 major Black denominations all of us don’t dismiss all these activities wholesale. My personal experience is that I know of more relationships that have been formed in school, at community events, at conferences and other professional events and even church over the alcohol laden party atmosphere.
The recommendation I’m giving myself is to collaborate with God on finding my mate. While I’ve done this with every other area of my life, I just haven’t done it in the same fashion when it comes to finding a life partner. Truly, I think my standards have been too low and I’ve accepted too little for far too long. I need to be clear in what I’m looking for so I know what it is when it shows up and I need to pray for guidance and direction. When I get up off my knees, I will act expectantly. My God who has answered my prayers before will answer them again. I have defeated the odds in the past and my faith tells me I will again. I am going with boldness and claiming the victory and strengthening my ties with my church.
I still disagree with my sister and have been taught to accept her right to believe otherwise and love her still.
Ms. Joy Machelle,
I truly enjoyed your response to Ms. Cooper. In my opinion, your response should be submitted as an article that stands on its own.
Thanks to everyone for speaking your mind and contributing to this discussion.
And Ms. Joy Machelle, thanks for your insightful remarks. It’s nice to see a Black Christian single woman stand strong for the church and be confident in your beliefs. For better or worse, the church is God’s ordained way for believers to relate and fellowship with one another, for us to receive instruction from God’s word, and to become equipped to be His vessels for the gospel to go forth into the world. It’s true that the emphasis is not on the physical structure of a building, but we, the believers on the name of Jesus Christ, are the church. We can both cast an evaluative eye on ourselves to make sure we are in line with God’s word, humbly receive external critique when we are not hitting the mark, and use discernment to know the difference. More of us should take this opportunity to engage nonbelievers in an apologetic fashion, giving them a reason for the hope within us, remembering that we also cannot sit in the seat of scorners.
I’m enjoying the interaction.
People are leaving the churches by the large number because the churches have been called on the carpet so many time lately for unethical acts, look at the financial systems, were are not dumb we are watching as it unfolds before us . The media shows one of the most powerfuel churches offering a formal apology. I went through the seminary and worked in a black church, I’m not white, nor black. Here are my observation Women would confide in me and many were
there looking for a husband or praying for a relationship. Anyhow I noticed there were a lot of women and hardly any black males One of the nice policemen on the board of the church said that “lots of brothers were in jail and the numbers are disportionately high in comparison to whites ” I also read that black women were more educated than black males and so they did not want to marry men that weren’t on their level I began to realized that women were praying for relationships sometimes settling to be a mistress. I do not condone any of this this is just observation So going to church to find a husband but there were hardly any men. The church really wanted to help change the community so we began to counsel on the value of family we would then talk about being cautions not to become a single mom a baby needs to grow up in a stable home with a mother and father. and of course the psychological ramification. I finally got angry and started to tell women to invest in yourself, please get educated, learn about money and save for a rainy day , learn about investments, retirement, read one book a month, do something creative, play an instrument, paint, draw, eat healthier, walk, run, swim , hike, bike if you have time volunteer. Be present and show up for your life. Do not live your life being a lady in waiting, worrying, crying and becoming depressed over being single. I see this so much …waiting for someone to save you, rescue you, take care of you and that love will solve all of your problems, this is immature perspective on love. Most of this love myths are perpetuated by the media a mythical magical belief that love will save you . Honestly, I think it doesn’t matter if your white, pink, blue or purple. So many women are grieving in a sense for this type of relationship or to have a baby.
I at some point just say please come to church to be with God, to hear God’s Word, to sing for God, to pray and meditate. Know that God has a plan for and trust in God’s and rejoice in God’s plan for whatever his plan is know it is good. Accept God’s plan and you cannot then do some deep inner work until yo get there. Please do not just become obsessed about relationships it becomes so permeated in your brain that in counseling you begin to sound like a broken record, believe it or not this broken record can play for years. It is okay to let go.. A survey taken asked men would you rather have love or respect, men answered respect. Women were asked the same question Women answered love. Believe me you cannot have love unless you have respect, trust, faith!
Hi ladies and gentlemen. Would you like to know the top 10 reason for when a relationship is over? Well come on over to and find out. http://www.askdro.com/2010/07/how-to-know-when-it-the-relationship-is-over/
Thanks for the comments Joy Machelle. I actually agree with you. I dont think the research the author cites follows her conclusions. According to the anecdotal conclusions she presents, I can just as easily say that black men are at fault for not being religious enough. But I would not say that because it is an anecdotal statement revealing my bias.
As someone who has done some research, there are multiples questions that have not been asked:
According to the report, the numbers of AA men in black churches is 55% while for AA women its 62%. That is a 7% difference. So how is being in church a waste of time when there is only a 7% difference between AA men and women? (Either way, being in church does not guarantee a mate anyway.)
The report shows that black protestants are not homogeneous so why does she refer to the black church as if it is?
The author said “Following the tenets of organized religion is not going to get you anywhere because men are generally not religious.” The report shows the difference between those unaffiliated with religion are 9% (men) and 16% (women). Thats a 7% difference between the sexes. So why is the author ignoring the 92% of men who are religious? This contradicts her statement clearly.
I get the impression that the author did not read ALL the research and/or simply drew conclusions based on what she already believed.
I know I am late to this but there it is.
Ms. Cooper:
I agree, going to church does not make a woman more interesting to a man. But neither does going to work, doing laundry, shopping for groceries (or blogging) – but we do them anyway. The church isn’t meant to be somewhere we huddle up and become interesting. Church is meant to be a place of fellowship, education and encouragement for how to live and serve (love) others. Learning to serve your husband, your kids, and your community is not something you can get in a four year degree program. It requires an ongoing fellowship with Godly women who are not ashamed of their roles within the family and the community. That happens both inside the walls of a church and outside.
I do disagree with you on another point. Unfortunately, Ms. Cooper, many churches have not been teaching women (or men) to control their sexuality as you suggest. I have learned over time – the hard way – that constrained sexuality is infinitely more interesting to men than unconstrainted sexuality. I wish I had learned it in church. Maybe I would have made better decisions in my youth.
Maybe its time for you to consider church again. I encourage you to look for one that emphasizes strengthening the Black Family. You will find they provide more balance for women who are trying to find meaning in the midst of being single, raising a family, working, being married.
Blessings to you!
I see this far too often in–Black women who can go on and on about how ‘good God is’ while they gracefully admonish a sister who has come out of the darkness that is the Church to ‘return to the faith’.
As well-intentioned and heart-felt as these people are, they often miss the point—Ms. Cooper and progressive-minds like her are trying to get them to examine their thinking/approach to things.
When I read this article, I was literally beaming with joy…until I got to the responses. It’s shameful that we’ve lost so many generations of our beautiful women to Christianity and yet, from these replies to article, I not encouraged that its going to get any better.
Brothers and sisters—my people! Do we you not see that it’s the year 2010? We are in an age of information. Never in our history have we had so much access to knowledge and information and known so little about so many things. Sad.
Do sisters REALLY believe that a Black man (any man) wants to be with a woman who would require him to be Christ-like and God-fearing? Wow. Good luck with that…
Thanks Ms. Cooper. Discussions like this may save scores of our mothers, sisters, aunts, and grandmothers.
Faith in one’s self can be just as rewarding and beautiful .
One love
I can see that you all are just posting the comments or opinions as Deborrah would call them that agree with you. I have been in the church all my life and I have never thought of the church or my church as dating service. It is a place of worship and thats what I do there. Just like when I go to work I do not date my co workers. I am professional on both accounts and I met men who are in the church but just not mine. I have to say so have several of my church members from all the wedding announcements I see on the main church wall. I just not see why people think of the church as eharmony and then when they dont find a mate they get made at the church and God. I say look at yourself and it might just be you. Stop lying to yourself and thinking you are perfect and every man should want you. Just be real with yourself.
I believe that a lot of people have forgotten what the church is for. It is a training place i.e the bible says go out and compel them to come in, come and do what? training. What is the training for? so we can go out and do kingdom work within the parameters that God has set forth. What has that got to do with this? The church black or white is not a dating facility, no where in the bible does it talk about dating, it is something that we made up to do to delay marriage, do what we want then get “saved” and forget we are humans. The church teaches or should teach what is means to virtuous, what is means to have your household in order, don’t show the choir that you can be churchy, show your daughter how to be a lady, show your son how to be a real man, not trying to sow seeds but being responsible for their actions and helping to change the community making it better for the next generation and teaching them in the process.
If you come to church to look for a mate, you have been misguided, come to church looking for God and he will guide your husband to where you are. Yes I do want a God-fearing man and my husband was looking for a God-fearing wife and I met him in the library. My lessons learn taught me that what is easy to get is easy to lose, my husband wanted a challenge not an easy ride.
Hello! I appreciate the diiscussion thus far. First I think it’s important we don’t generalize the church experience. Depending on the denomination and interpretation of the word, you will encounter varying experiences. For me personally, my current church home does not encourage or preach male dominence, but I have been to churches that do. Not all churches are the same however, and not one is perfect.
Secondly, I think it is important that a woman focus on building herself up mentally, physically and spiritually not for the sake of getting a man, but simply because it’s the most healthy thing for her to do for herself. The odds of meeting a good man in church are as good as meeting one anywhere else in the world, so I don’t think women should be on a mission. Bad men are in your life for one and one reason only; you’ve invited them in. You’ve mistook loving man to mean accepting and tolerating his bad behavior.
I’m still single and I’ve had a bad experience or two in and outside the church. I don’t blame the pastor, I don’t blame God, I don’t blame the men and I don’t blame myself either. Unfortunately life doesn’t come with a learners manual, we are all figuring it out as we go. That includes love. I believe for myself I am still learning. I am still being molded into the ideal mate for whomever God has for me. For women that are in the church that are believing God for a husband, the best advise the church has to offer is wait on the Lord. It will happen when it is right and it won’t take any strategizing or convincing on the women’s part. Focus on building YOU, not on finding the elusive “one.” And have fun! Get a hobby, go do things w/girlfriends, it doesn’t have to be secular in nature. There’s a lot out there. Most good things happen when you’re not trying so hard.
Hi, I like ur vision and would like to get to know more about ur operations. I am a pastor and I am presently cooking up a ministry targeted at Nigerian Young people here in Nigeria and the focus is very similar I would appreciate any support u can give in terms of ideas and this will help me do much more. My website is under construction and would be up very soon.
thanks for doing the work
Hello all,
I find it apalling and mind boggling that a person who admits to having not been to church since the age of 6 can make themselves an authority in the affairs of church. Lending your ear to women to air out their dirty laundry for over 20 yrs hardly makes you an expert on anything. Don’t believe the hype in the media. Not all churches are filled with desperate, sad and lonely women all waiting to be the next Mrs. Anybody. Not a preachers are self serving, money hungry hypocrites. If you dared to step foot in church you would know this. The media loves people like you who help them perpetuate negative images of black people. You say you’re helping by exposing the church, but all you’re doing is giving Dateline more information for their next installment of the sad, lonely, never gonna get married black woman. If you are so interested in helping why don’t you help expose the good in the black community. Shed some light on couples like my parents how have been married for over 30 years. They are not alone, most of my friends’ parents have been married for 30 years or more. Shed some light on the fact that black women are getting married and not to just anybody, but to good black men. I went to 6 wedding last year and even more this year. My church is in the community feeding and clothing the homelsss. We bring the gospel to the shelters and the prisons every Sunday. We help support members financially in their time of need and the list goes on. I know plenty of churches doing good things, but the media isn’t covering that because exposing positive happenings in the black community doesn’t garner as much attention or money as the negative stories do. So black people continue to come up with articles like the one written by Ms. Cooper to have their 15 minutes of fame and spare change that comes along with it. So keep up the good work tearing our community down while everyone looks on laughing. Hope the money is enough to quiet your conscience. If not I’m sure FOX news will want to reach out to you to help them make further fools of black people and all that pertains to us, which will probably stretch your fame time to 16 minutes and some more pocket change.
That’s all I have to say